


The Ink Black Appendices

by nellcromancer



Series: The Ink Black Appendices / The Starlight Exodus [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alien Biology, Alternate Universe, Arson, Assassination, Blood, Body Horror, Bombing, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Canon Compliant, Canon Divergent, Capitalism, Cults, Death, Depression, Divinity, Divorce, Epilogues compliant, Existentialism, F/F, Food, Furry, Gaslighting, Gore, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Infidelity With A Partner's Parent/Child, M/M, Manipulation, Meta, Mind Control, Morality, Multi, Not Epilogues Compliant, Other, Political Lobbying, Politics, Religion, Terrorism, The Homestuck Epilogues, Trauma, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-06-29 02:24:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19820605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nellcromancer/pseuds/nellcromancer
Summary: A Tale of Obvious InauthenticityA Chronicle of the End of Everything





	1. "I Guess This Is Goodbye"

#### >Open your eyes.

You close your Eyes, and open your eyes.

You look up, blinking repeatedly until your vision unblurs enough for you to make out the text on thousand plus page document pulled up on your laptop in front of you. Your study is an absolute mess, sticky notes and colorful strings criss-cross the empty wall behind you. The decorations that once hung on said wall lay scattered and brushed aside in the corner of the room, gathering dust. A bookcase sits, facing the wrong direction on another wall, the exposed backside covered with yet more scrawlings. You take a breath and look over your plan, denoted, of course, by a thread of purple string. Its almost there. You've almost perfected this plan. It absolutely will be worth it. You take a sip of tea and recoil. Its cold. You could have sworn you had poured this cup recently.

#### >Record your findings.

You stand up from your cross legged position on the floor, grabbing a thread of black, the container of pushpins, and a pen. You dutifully document the results from your most recent dive into the extents of existence. You stretch a line of thread linearly from one end of the wall to the other, pinning both sides. With a sticky note you label it

"236-Jade-D  
Score: 120.35"

You attach a few more sticky notes along the length of this thread, denoting events and circumstances you have deemed either unique, true, relevant, or essential (each, of course, designated by the color of sticky note) Of particular note in this timeline was the decimation of the Troll population by way of an automated drone army, programmed by a certain Dirk Strider himself. (Tru 0.23, Rel 0.89, Ess 0.34, U 0.01)

You take a step back, and look over the wall. You're so close. You can feel it in your bones. You can figure this out. You take another step backwards and knock over your teacup, spilling the lukewarm substance all over the floor. You curse.

#### >Clean it up.

Picking up your mug you think that it's probably acceptable to take a short break now to clean up the spill. It will help you synthesize all of the new data you've been gathering. You open the door to the study and hear the lock pop as you turn the handle.

You step into a daylight filled highway and immediately raise your arm to shield your eyes as they slowly adjust to the drastic change in light level. You plod over towards the kitchen, still lost deep in thought, mentally pouring over the notes in your own head until you hear the sound of someone clearing their throat.

KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: Youre Alive

You look around, trying to pinpoint where the voice came from and—there she is. Standing in the open doorway to your home.

#### >Respond.

ROSE: A miracle, I'm sure.   
ROSE: How was your day? 

She makes a funny face at your response.

KANAYA: I Am Not Sure How To Take That Inquiry  
KANAYA: Are You Being Sincere And Legitimately Asking Me How My Day Has Been?  
KANAYA: And If So Am I To Assume You Have Become A Complete Idiot  
KANAYA: Because It Is Clearly The Early Morning  
KANAYA: And Clearly During The Span Of Time That I Mentioned To You On Several Occasions When I Would Be Making An Effort To Be At Home More So That I Could Spend Time With You  
KANAYA: Or  
KANAYA: Do You Actually Not Care At All  
KANAYA: And Are Simply Saying What You Think You Are Supposed To Say To Me To Keep Me Complacent While Ensuring I Dont Take Up Too Much Of Your Time Away From Whatever Youre Doing In That Fucking Study Of Yours?

You shake your head, trying desperately to push all the important thoughts in your head to the side and be here, in the present.

You look at Kanaya again.

Her mouth is set in a firm, flat line. Her hands are crossed in front of her shirt—when did she make that?—Beside her are about 8 grocery bags. Her eyes are narrowed at you, and a bead of jade liquid is welling in the corner of them. Her brow is furrowed, and she is glowing. She is glowing brighter than you have ever seen her before.

ROSE: Oh. I'm sorry. I must've forgot. Can I help you with those? 

You gesture to the grocery bags. Kanaya, as if to demonstrate how much help of yours she exactly does _NOT_ need, bends down and lifts them up in a single, effortless motion.

ROSE: Or not. That also works. 

She walks past you, dropping the groceries on the kitchen table with an echoing THUD.

KANAYA: My Day Was Just Lovely  
KANAYA: Thank You For Asking  
KANAYA: I Had A Restful Sleep  
KANAYA: By Myself  
KANAYA: I Woke Up Early  
KANAYA: By Myself  
KANAYA: I Took A Pleasant Stroll Around The Neighborhood  
KANAYA: By Myself  
KANAYA: I Took Some Time To Design And Sew A New Outfit  
KANAYA: And Then I Made Some Dinner  
KANAYA: By Myself  
KANAYA: And Then I Went To Bed  
KANAYA: Amazingly  
KANAYA: By Myself  
KANAYA: In Fact  
KANAYA: The Past Few Days Could Be Summed Up Pretty Fucking Similarly

You open your mouth to retort, but Kanaya continues speaking before you can say anything.

KANAYA: How Is It That I A Married Troll  
KANAYA: See My Spouse Less Frequently Then I See John Egbert  
ROSE: Thats not fair. I've explained this to you hundreds of times. The work I'm doing is vital to maintaining the cohesion of this reality.  
KANAYA: Stop  
KANAYA: I Am Extremely Tired Of Hearing You Talk About This Plan  
KANAYA: I Am Tired Of Hearing You Talk About Cohesion Or Truth Or Relevance Or Essentiality  
KANAYA: Have You Even Bothered To Use Your Fantastic Seer Powers To Look At Whats Happening Here  
KANAYA: In This Reality?  
KANAYA: Im Sure  
KANAYA: Given Your All Seeing Eyes And Limitless Knowledge  
KANAYA: That You Know That Currently The World Government Is Voting On A Bill That Will Automate Troll Reproduction? 

You stand stock still. You, of course, had not heard of this. 

ROSE: What does that entail?

You try to sound concerned, you really do; but internally you can't help but think that if this action is ratified, it would mean a significant gain to the Score of this reality.

KANAYA: Among Other Things It Will Set A Permanent Hard Limit On How Many Eggs The Mother Grub May Lay In A Given Sweep  
KANAYA: A Number That I And Several Others Find Worryingly Low  
KANAYA: It Also Would Declare That Only Automated Drones Could Care For The Mother Grub   
KANAYA: No More Troll Caretakers

She grits her teeth and snarls the last line

KANAYA: Which Of Course Includes Me  
ROSE: I'm...  
ROSE: I'm sorry to hear that Kanaya, that's awful.  
  
KANAYA: Yeah  
KANAYA: It Really Is

You almost flinch at that. You can understand her being upset, you know how much her job means to her. You can even understand her being annoyed at you. You're not so self absorbed to not be able to acknowledge that you have been rather absent the past few weeks. But this vitriol that she directs at you specifically doesn't make any sense. You start to get angry back at her.

#### >Realize that this has to happen now, or you’ll never be able to go through with it.

How could she possibly understand what you're doing? How could she hope to conceive of how absolutely microscopic her problems are compared to the enormity of the task before you. She'll probably never understand. But you do, right?

You obviously understand what's going on here. So you, at least, can grasp how important my mission is? This reality is meaningless. Her problem is meaningless. This whole existence is slowly bleeding to death. It needs Canon. I know this, you know this. Realities outside of canon don't exist for long. I've watched enough of them turn to dust myself. 

KANAYA: So Thats All You Have To Say?  
KANAYA: "That's Awful?"  
KANAYA: Have We Really Grown So Far Apart?  
ROSE: What do you want me to say then? That I've seen the future? That this bill will definitely fail?

It won't. If anything I have to ensure it comes to pass. And even then it might not be enough. I might need an even more drastic solution. Either way, it's a surprisingly relevant event for a reality as divergent from canon as this one.

Kanaya makes a noise like I slapped her, when I say that. It hurts to hear; like the discordant notes from an untuned violin, the sound moves something in my heart and I involuntarily clamp my mouth shut. Like it or not, I still do love her.

KANAYA: What The Fuck Is Wrong With You?  
KANAYA: How Have You Grown So Cold And Detached?

She wraps her arms around herself, as if to give herself a hug. It occurs to me, as she does this, that hugging her would have probably defused the situation better than my witty rejoinder. I step forward towards her, and she steps away from me as I do so. The action tears at my heart.

It’s my own fault really. I could have spared myself this overwrought soap opera of a breakup by simply leaving her sooner. But I suppose I was still selfish. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I wonder if that's how she sees me? Like some kind of divine Marie Antionette, so far removed from her way of life that I can't conceive of the pain that she's currently feeling? If she does, she's wrong. Seeing her hurt like this? Its misery. It's worse than any death I experienced in any timeline. It hurts all the more because I know this has to happen.

ROSE: Me? I'm the one who's grown detached?  
ROSE: You're never around anymore!   
ROSE: I've tried to explain to you again and again what's happening to me and you don't seem to care!

I steel myself as the words come out of my mouth. They aren't technically false, but I am implicitly undervaluing the effort she put forth to try and sympathize with me as I began my ascension.

KANAYA: I Didnt Seem To Care?   
KANAYA: Rose I Cared So Much  
KANAYA: It Was Horrible!  
KANAYA: I Couldn't Understand What Was Happening To You  
KANAYA: And No Matter What I Did Or Said Or Didnt Do Or Didnt Say  
KANAYA: You Just Pulled Yourself Further And Further Away From Me  
KANAYA: In Fact I Rather Got The Impression That You Wanted To Be Left Alone!

Kanaya, you can't hear me say this. But I'm so sorry.  
ROSE: So you ran off to play with your grubs?   
ROSE: Let’s be entirely honest with ourselves here, Kanaya.  
I'm sorry for what I'm about to say. I'm sorry that I have to lie like this.  
ROSE: You knew what was coming. You saw how the world was shifting politically and deep down in your heart you knew this was coming. So you made a decision.  
You wanted to be by my side every moment of my suffering. I asked you to go. At the time I was hoping it would make you worry less.  
ROSE: You decided to maximize your time left doing what you assumed would be your eternal life's unending calling.  
You tried to reach out to me, share your concerns with the direction the political climate of our planet had taken. I was the one ignoring you.  
ROSE: How convenient that your wife was also currently bedridden with an illness you couldn't understand or sympathize with.  
You still tried though. More than I tried to understand your problems.  
ROSE: What a convenient excuse! All you had to say was you were giving your poor wife some space!  
I don't deserve you. I probably never deserved you.  
ROSE: And you accuse me of being cold!?  


She punches me in the face with all of her strength. I absolutely deserve it. The force of the punch sends me flying across the room, and I make contact with the wall in the living room. It cracks under the impact. I land face first in a heap. If I wasn't a god it probably would have shattered my jaw and snapped my neck. Actually, I think she might have dislocated my jaw, but its difficult to tell given the rest of the pain sparking up and down my body like so many red hot brands dancing across my skin. That pain at least fades quickly, but the throbbing in my jaw remains.

There are tears streaming down her face, her chest heaves heavily and the look she gives me—full of regret, pain, pity, hate and anger—hurts me more than her fists ever could.  


KANAYA: Rose Lalonde  
KANAYA: I Think  
KANAYA: That It Would Be Best

The tears are really pouring out now. She keeps sniffling and scowling at me. I don't think I've ever seen her this mad before. It's kind of...hot? Thats a terrible thing to say but it's true. She's absolutely furious and about twenty seconds from bisecting me with her lipstick and she looks completely stunning.

KANAYA: If One Of Us Leaves  
KANAYA: Perhaps For A Day Or So  
KANAYA: So That We Can Both Cool Our Heads  
KANAYA: And Avoid Any Unfortunate Makeup Accidents

I can't help but smile, and then immediately wince because it turns out I was right, my jaw _is_ dislocated. I pop it back into place with an admittedly undignified yelp, and then try smiling again. It still hurts, but the pain is more manageable this time. For all the world the only thing I want to do is tell her how pretty she is, tell her how hot she looks when she's angry and how unreasonably turned on I am from getting punched like that. Obviously I can't say any of those things. The thing I have to say, is so much more painful.

ROSE: Kanaya Maryam, if you leave right now, then I don't ever want to see your face again. 

That line does it. Whatever connection the two of us had, whatever tattered thread that was left, I just severed it completely. Time seems to slow to a crawl just to force me to watch her break in slow motion. Her eyebrows first start to raise in stunned disbelief, only to come crashing back down as she desperately tries to keep the hurt from registering on her face. She squeezes her eyes tightly shut and her pretty mouth clamps down into a barely maintained shaky line. The jade tears still streak down her face, and her whole chest rattles with a stifled sob. She's visibly shaking, her breaths are shallow and raspy and she opens her eyes and looks at me with such intense hate I will never, ever be able to forget it. She takes a single deep breath, and opens her mouth. Her words come out in a barely restrained whisper.

KANAYA: Rose  
KANAYA: I Have A Lot Of Things I Want To Say To You Right Now  
KANAYA: But The Last Thing I Intend To Do  
KANAYA: Is Give You Any Sense Of Closure  
KANAYA: You Have Ten Minutes To Gather Your Things And Leave This House  
KANAYA: Before I Do Something Drastic With This

She uncaps her chainsaw and levels it at me. I half-expect her to run me through right now but she doesn't.

KANAYA: And If I Ever See You Again  
KANAYA: I Will Split You In Two   
KANAYA: And Burn The Halves

She's not lying, but I won't allow it to happen. I have a lot more work to do before I can even think of claiming a Just End.  
I climb to my feet, shakily.

ROSE: Well then, I guess this is goodbye, Kanaya.  
KANAYA: Just   
KANAYA: Go  


I do. I start by gathering up my laptop and a few of the most important sticky notes from the wall. And, figuring as I still had about 8 more minutes left, I douse the whole room in alcohol. I can't chance anyone figuring out what I'm up to, and I don't think Kanaya is capable of hating me anymore than she already does. I light a match and toss it into the room. Kanaya is nowhere to be seen as I walk out the front door, and the minute I pass the threshold, the fire alarm starts blaring.

I take to the air once I'm about three blocks away from the burning building. I watch from a distance as the life I built with Kanaya comes burning to the ground. My heart aches and the tears I've been keeping in the whole time bubble to the surface. I hang there, floating in the air, just watching. I don't see Kanaya at all. I wonder if she made it out in time.

Every bone in my body screams at me that I've just made an irreversible mistake. But I know its not. I had to do this.

I take a few seconds trying to suppress my tears, but It dawns on me that this really is my last chance to cry. After this I can't afford anymore tears. After this I have work to do. That work? That can start tomorrow. But Tonight? Tonight I can mourn what used to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck you for reading this.


	2. 2.1 The Forest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reality needs an Author. Not in the trite sense of needing someone to write the story of the world, although that’s more accurate than you might realize. No, it needs a director. Reality is not aimless. It's not purposeless. Through my extensive dive through reality I've learned as much. There are countless authors in control of countless realities each trying to fulfill their own elusive purpose. But canon, the true reality, the one that matters; it had an Author, someone who knew the true purpose of existence, a goal beyond measly self-perpetuation. A goal beyond Sburb.
> 
> That Author dictated the movements of our world. He rarely directly intervened, only doing so in an attempt to wrest control from other, far more malevolent forces. If I am, as I am led to believe, a god, I suppose he can be considered a God. He, and it was a He—I'm almost certain; caricatures of Him were not infrequent in the many, many unreal existences I catalogued following my true Ascension—He died. Slain by the usurper, Lord English, whose grand design for canon was far less elegant than its true purpose. Instead of whatever ineffable purpose that the Author had for weaving canon together in the first place, it was lost, replaced by the foolishly simple directive of ensuring Lord English's own creation.
> 
> Its nauseating, really, contemplating the sheer scale of English's desecration. It's something I've spent a long time feeling enraged by. But until recently I had simply thought there was nothing I could do. I sat around in my study, letting my marriage slowly rot from the inside out as I searched, looking desperately for canon, hoping to find a way to ensure my realities continued survival. But as I peered through infinity I slowly—at first I don't even think I realized I was doing it—began to concoct a plan. If Lord English could hijack Canon, then, what was stopping me from authoring NonCanon.
> 
> The first step, as you saw, was making you care. The empathy and pathos harvested from the divorce of my wife and the arson of my home is just barely enough to sustain this non-canonical existence long enough to enact the rest of my plan. Pathos is a surprisingly effective fuel for reality, and one that I'll be relying on heavily until such time I grow past the need for it.
> 
> Speaking of pathos, lets see what my dear ex-wife is up to.
> 
> * * *

A cloudy, starless night has fallen on the acres of woods behind the former house of the Maryam-Lalondes. Kanaya stumbles through the darkened forest, putting as much space as she can between herself and the smoldering carcass of our old home, as if that would somehow lessen the pain scarring her heart. Her makeup is smeared from her repeated attempts to dry the tears that still seem to spring unbidden from the endless well of hurt buried deep in her chest and she shakes all over, her unrestrained sobs echoing hauntingly through the silent forest. Her dress is scorched and her whole body is covered in soot and one has to wonder how long it took for her to notice the building burning down around her.

She trips, falling bodily to the leaf-littered ground, and she just lays there, her body shaking rhythmically with every sob. It begins to rain, and she doesn’t even bother getting to her feet as it soaks into her clothes and wets the ground around her into a dirty mud. For an uncomfortably long moment she considers just lying here forever, letting the rain and muddy sediment pile onto her, until she fully submerges into the forest floor, buried in her own sorrow. She won’t though.

She brings herself to her knees, her skirt, caked and matted with the rain and leaves and mud and soot all mingling together. She looks a mess. Her hair is soaked and has fallen into her eyes, her makeup is smeared and running in the rain, her eyes have deep, heavy circles under them and her whole face is twisted in sorrow and pain. She covers her face with her hands again, slowly dragging them down her face, leaving smears of dirt and grime in their wake. She tries desperately to center herself, to stifle her sobs, to steady herself in some way, in any way at all. But she can't. Her sorrow overwhelms her. She can’t escape it. It’s like there’s no exit for her.

It hurts me so much to see her like this. It hurts so much to relate this all to an uncaring, voyeuristic audience. I want nothing more than to dry her tears. To apologize. To show her how much I still love her. But even if I did I would only be injuring her further. She hates me now. I don’t need to read her mind to know it. Her broken heart is plainly visible even without my vision omnifold. 

She does eventually find herself back on both feet. She has no energy anymore. She has no more drive to wander aimlessly through the miles of uninhabited woodland stretching out in front of her. The tears have stolen her strength from her, and she slumps against the nearby trunk of an ancient oak.

Her grief is overwhelming. If I was there, I think I would drown in it. But she's not just sad, no. She's angry. Furious. It's what I intended, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I don't think anything could prepare me for knowing how utterly, all-consumingly enraged she would be.

She screams. It’s an awful anguished noise that echoes up into the cloudy sky and carries with it all the pain and hate and regret that had been stewing, boiling into a toxic fume deep inside her heart for the past 8 hours. She plunges her fist deep into the trunk of the oak tree, which splinters pathetically against her fist. She swings again, and again and again, letting out a scream with every blow she lands on the tree.

It topples over, felled by the stunning fury of Kanaya Maryam. The thundering crash of the gigantic oak tearing a ragged line of carnage as it collides heavily with the forest floor seems so small compared to her pain. She lets out a deep sigh. She feels, ever so slightly more in control, but the pain and sorrow threatens to engulf her again. She knows the worst thing for her right now is to be alone. There's really only one person she can think of to go to right now. But he's not exactly close.


	3. 2.2 WH4T 1S TH3 PO1NT

Terezi Pyrope doesn't sleep much anymore. Her nights on Earth C are troubled, and once again she finds herself spending the night in much the same way that she spends the grand majority of the nights since her return from her brief, fruitless expedition into the infinite lonely blackness of Paradox Space: sleeplessly laying stock-still in bed so as to not to disturb the warm slumbering body next to her, as her mind slowly, agonizingly dismantles the thin facade of contentment she wears alongside her glasses during the day. Thoughts swirl through her head, a maelstrom of doubt and pain ripping through her. Had she given up her search too early? Why had she accepted Egbert's offer to zap her back home so readily. She was so weak. Vriska could still be out there. And she just... abandoned her. If she had just been stronger. If she only... she shakes her head, a feeble attempt to knock the poisonous thoughts leeching the lie of joy from her mind. It doesn't work.

She rises from the bed slowly, careful not to stir the warm body slumbering beside her. Her bedmate shifts, murmuring slightly in her sleep, and Terezi freezes, ready to offer some noncommittal reassurance and convenient excuse. There is, however, no need, as she hears her bedmates breathing return to the slow, even rhythm of sleep.

She carefully exits the room, closing the door shut behind her. She walks, aimless through the sprawling, empty mansion. the stark white halls of the palatial building still echo faintly with sound, the distant four-four thudding of the perpetual party raging several stories below gently vibrating against the soles of her feet. She wonders briefly if any of the partygoers have even noticed that their host has been gone for over an hour. She thinks back to how she had to drag her half-unconscious body out of the loud crowded space and into the elevator. How she tucked her into her bed despite her half-lucid attempts to protest. She scowls.

She makes her way towards the balcony, smelling her way through the austere, unadorned walls of the house. In her youth she would have likened the smell of that stark whiteness to vanilla ice cream, or maybe marshmallows, but now, all she can think is that it just smells empty.

The fourth floor balcony overlooks the quiet little bay. Fishing boats moored to their docks rock gently as the gentle waves roll and lap softly at the shore. The fresh nighttime breeze carries the scent of the ocean as it blusters past, tousling her unkempt and messy hair. It should he peaceful, picturesque. It should make her calm. But... instead she just feels... restless, or maybe distant. She knows, deep in her heart that she doesn't fit in here. In this world with its blueberry sky and cotton candy clouds. With its soft colors and simple flavors. Its sweet, sickly sweet. And it’s missing the most important ingredient in a happy ending. Its missing Vriska.

Vriska is gone. Not dead, but gone. Terezi knows this, deep in her bones. She's gone and she'll never find her. This aching feeling ripping her apart every night is something that’s going to stay with her for the rest of her life. All the teasing Vriska gave her over not reaching godhood and now she can't help but feel a little thankful that she's stuck with a finite lifespan. The thought brings a bitter smile to her face. It quickly turns into a grimace. Her claws dig into the railing, leaving deep scores in the polished wood as she tries to force the emotions welling up from deep inside her back down. 

She can't help it. Her mind always wanders back to her. Vriska. Like this giant obnoxious 8itchy magnet for her brain. She's stuck in there. Terezi spends a lot of time lying to herself and telling herself that the only reason she's unhappy is that Vriska's not here. She's also well aware that she's just lying to herself, which sort of defeats the purpose of the deflection in the first place, but I'm not here to judge her terrible coping mechanisms. I'm just here to narrate. For now. 

Maybe if she could just get some closure she could move on with her life. Maybe if she just knew what had happened to Vriska she'd find some bitter contentment. 

No. That wouldn't fill the hole in her self. It would only be a different kind of hurt. 

She sighs loudly.

TEREZI: VR1SK4...  
TEREZI: WH3R3 D1D YOU GO?  
TEREZI: 1 KNOW YOUR3 ST1ll 4L1V3  
TEREZI: SO WH3R3 D1D YOU GO?

She sighs, shaking her head, trying to knock herself out of the hopeless loop of questions. It's a well trodden mental path for her, and one she finds great difficulty in escaping. That’s when she hears the sound of the door sliding open behind her.

JADE: ...terezi? are you out here?

She sounds exhausted, her hair is sticking up at all sorts of odd angles and she’s missing her glasses. Her dog ears are splayed out to either side, and Jade Harley altogether strikes a perfect picture of exhaustion. Her tail wags ambiguously behind her. Terezi doesn’t bother turning to look at her as she responds.

TEREZI: NO H4RL3Y, 1M NOT  
TEREZI: YOUR3 SP34KING TO 4 V3RY T1R3D 4ND V3RY OBNOX1OUS GHOST  
TEREZI: TH4T JUST SO H4PP3NS TO B3 OCCUPY1NG ON3 T3R3Z1 PYROP3’S F4VOR1T3 L4T3 N1GHT TH1NK1NG SPOTS.  
JADE: heehee  
JADE: well sorry miss ghost!  
JADE: im just looking for my friend terezi pyrope!  
JADE: she seems to have gone missing from her bed  
JADE: and i can’t help but be worried about her!  
TEREZI: TH3 SPOOKY GHOST C4NT UND3RST4ND TH3 B1ZZ4R3 DOG-HUM4N HYBR1D  
TEREZI: SH3 CONT1NU3S TO W41L 1N 4N 3SP3C14LLY SPOOKY 4ND UNN3RV1NG M4NN3R  
JADE: well, okay!  
JADE: i thought we were going to do something cute and silly here but if your dumb fake rp character cant hear my dumb fake rp character then whats the fucking point?  
TEREZI: TH4TS 4 GOOD FUCK1NG QU3ST1ON, H4RL3Y  
TEREZI: WH4T 1S TH3 PO1NT?  
JADE: uh  
JADE: i dont... know?  
JADE: is  
JADE: is everything okay?

Terezi pauses, she wants to answer frankly. To tell her that no, things are not fine. She’s sad and lonely in a way that Jade will never fix. She can’t. She won’t say it. Its just... not something she’d ever allow herself to do.

TEREZI: NO 1TS F1N3  
TEREZI: JUST   
TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW

Jade yawns before speaking up.

JADE: you know my offer is still open right? if you want to go search for her again  
JADE: i can still act as a doorway to the Green Sun  
JADE: and i’m sure john would be more than willing to jump back into paradox space to pull you out again!  
TEREZI: NO J4D3  
TEREZI: 1TS F1N3  
TEREZI: 1TS NOT GO1NG TO B3 4NY D1FF3R3NT TH4N L4ST T1M3  
TEREZI: JUST 3MPTY BL4CKN3SS  
TEREZI: NO DR34M BUBBL3S  
TEREZI: JUST OUR LON3LY M3D1UM  
TEREZI: 4ND TH3 D1ST4NT L1GHT OF TH3 GR33N SUN  
TEREZI: 3V3N TH3 CR4CKS 1N P4R4DOX SP4CE 4RE GONE  
TEREZI: WH4T3V3R VR1SK4 D1D 1T MUST H4V3 WORK3D  
TEREZI: B3CAUS3 1T R3S3T 3V3RYTH1NG  
JADE: if whatever she did really reset all of paradox space  
JADE: then why is the Green Sun still there?  
JADE: that wasn't something that naturally existed in paradox space!

Jade actually raises a good point, the presence of the Green Sun is actually the single point that stymies me in this entire continuity. It's the one object that seems to exist in spite of the mechanics of the White Door. In my view, its presence serves only to underscore how noncanonical our reality really is. It's the punchline to a perpetual joke, reminding me that everything we fought for was pointless. That every sacrifice we made, that I made was utterly meaningless. Terezi, for her part, just shrugs. 

TEREZI: HON3STLY 1 DONT H4V3 4N 4NSW3R FOR 4NY OF 1T  
TEREZI: DO3S 1T M4K3 S3NS3 TH4T VR1SK4S F1N4L B4TTL3 R3S3T 4LL OF P4R4DOX SP4C3?  
TEREZI: 4BSOLUT3LY NOT  
TEREZI: BUT 1TS TH3 ONLY 4NSW3R 1 C4N COM3 UP WITH  
TEREZI: 4ND M4YB3  
TEREZI: T3LL1NG MYS3LF TH4T 1TS 4LL B3C4US3 OF VR1SKA  
TEREZI: M4YB3 1T H3LPS G1V3 M34NING TO H3R B31NG GON3

She turns and looks over her shoulder, her head tilting to the side as she does so, revealing a shark-toothed grin plastered on her face, a fiendish little sneer playing at the corners of her mouth.

TEREZI: PSYCH3

Jade frowns, she looks unconvinced. Terezi’s laugh cuts through the quiet night, but it sounds hollow. Jade’s heard that forced laugh a lot. It pales in comparison to the genuine article. Terezi turns around to face Jade, a fake, toothy grin plastered to her face.

TEREZI: L1ST3N  
TEREZI: J4D3  
TEREZI: 1M F1N3  
TEREZI: 1 CHOS3 TO COM3 B4CK B3C4US3 I M4D3 P34C3 W1TH 3V3RYTH1NG  
JADE: if you say so...  
TEREZI: 1 SUP3R FUCK1NG S4Y SO  
TEREZI: 4NYW4YS  
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1 N33D SOM3   
TEREZI: T1M3 4W4Y FOR 4 B1T  
JADE: youre going?  
JADE: where?

Terezi just gives her a look, and hoists herself up so she’s sitting on the railing of the balcony. 

TEREZI: 4W4Y  
TEREZI: FOR 4 WH1L3  
JADE: oh  
JADE: uh  
JADE: woof...  
JADE: i uh, i hope you...  
JADE: actually fuck this  
JADE: terezi this sucks!!!  
JADE: this fucking sucks!!!!!  
JADE: youre so fucking mopey all the time, and when i try and fucking talk you about it you clam up!!!  
JADE: and even when you FORGET and do open up FOR EVEN HALF A SECOND you try and play the whole thing off as some stupid JOKE!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: >:O  
JADE: I GET YOURE SAD YOUR MANIC PIXIE SPIDER GIRLFRIEND DIED OR WHATEVER BUT YOURE NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO SUFFERED FROM THIS FUCKING GAME!!!  
TEREZI:H3Y!!  
TEREZI: TH4TS NOT——   
JADE: SHUT UP  
JADE: GOD JUST LET ME TALK FOR A GODDAMN MOMENT  
JADE: i spent thirteen years of my LIFE completely and totally alone.   
JADE: I got blown TO BITS with a fucking bomb made out of fucking SHAVING CREAM   
JADE: i watched my own brother DIE IN FRONT OF MY EYES AND SPENT TWO AND A HALF YEARS OF MY LIFE COMPLETELY ALONE THINKING HE WAS GONE  
JADE: you arent the only person whos sad!!  
JADE: youre not the only person who didn't get the happy ending you deserve!!!  
JADE: you arent the only person whos still suffering!!!  
JADE: but youre the ONLY ONE whos content enough to just stay moping about it!!!!  
JADE: THE REST OF US ARE AT LEAST TRYING TO GET BETTER!!!!!  
TEREZI: OH 1S TH4T SO, H4RL3Y?  
TEREZI: SO 4LL TH3S3 P4RTYS YOU THROW 3V3RY N1GHT 4R3 JUST NORM4L, H34LTHY FUCKING ACT1ONS FOR YOU?  
TEREZI: OH BUT YOUR3 4 GOD  
TEREZI: TH3 GOD OF P4RT13S, 3V3N  
TEREZI: YOUR D1V1N3 FUCK1NG BODY C4N JUST R3G3N3R4T3 1F YOU 4CCID3NT4LLY T4K3 TOO MUCH OF SOM3 P1LL YOU DONT 3V3N KNOW TH3 N4M3 OF!  
TEREZI: WH4T P3RF3CTLY NORM4L 4ND H34LTHY B3HAV1OR YOUR3 D1SPL4Y1NG!  
TEREZI: CL34RLY YOUR3 TH3 3X3MPL4R OF 4LL TR4UM4 SURV1VORS 4ND 1 SHOULD SP3ND MOR3 T1M3 STUDY1NG 4ND MOD3L1NG YOUR ST3LL4R B3H4V1OR!  
JADE: MAYBE if youre so FUCKING CONCERNED about me i would hope you would SAY SOMETHING!!!  
JADE: i never said i was doing a good job!!!  
JADE: but  
JADE: im  
JADE: FUCKING  
JADE: TRYING!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: DONT YOU TH1NK 1 W4NT TO B3 H4PPY?  
TEREZI: DO YOU TH1NK 1 L1K3 B31NG M1S3R4BL3?  
TEREZI: DO YOU TH1NK 1M 3NJOY1NG 1T?  
JADE: no  
JADE: i think youve convinced yourself you deserve this

Terezi’s head jerks back as if slapped and falls silent, her retort dying in her mouth. Jade also stills, waiting with hackles raised for Terezi’s response, and it takes a tense, long moment before Terezi speaks again, her voice low and shaky.

TEREZI: M4YB3 1 DONT F33L L1K3 ASK1NG FOR H3LP  
TEREZI: M4YB3  
TEREZI: M4YB3 1 N3V3R R34LLY L34RN3D HOW TO  
TEREZI: M4YB3 IM JUST  
TEREZI: 4 COW4RD  
TEREZI: M4YB3 1T DO3SNT M4TT3R  
TEREZI: B3C4US3  
TEREZI: 1M L34V1NG  
JADE: running away from your problems isnt going to solve anything, terezi!  
JADE: please...  
JADE: i like you here  
JADE: youre a pain in the ass and kind of mean!!  
JADE: and generally a total party-pooper!!  
TEREZI: WOW TH4T R34LLY M4K3S M3 F33L B3TT3R 4BOUT MYS3LF  
TEREZI: TH4NKS FOR THE P3P T4LK H4RL3Y  
JADE: ok god sorry! i meant it in a good way!!  
JADE: i think that even though you are definitely all of those things sometimes  
JADE: you are also funny!!!  
JADE: and clever  
JADE: and you call people on their bullshit!!  
JADE: well, sometimes  
JADE: and beyond that, even though you try to hide it, you are   
JADE: really cute!  
JADE: i like that stuff about you  
JADE: i want to help, terezi  
JADE: please open up to me

Terezi just smiles a sad smile at her, a glimmer of her sawtooth canines peeking out from her grey lips.

TEREZI: M4YB3 1LL T4K3 YOU UP ON TH4T OFF3R SOM3T1M3   
TEREZI: WH3N 1M L3SS SC4R3D  
TEREZI: 4ND M4YB3 WH3N YOUR3 L3SS OF 4 B1TCH  
TEREZI: S33 YOU 4ROUND J4D3  


And with that, Terezi pitches herself backwards over the railing of the balcony, and begins hurtling towards the pavement below. She effortlessly decaptchalogues her jetpack, and catches herself mid-fall. She ascends back to where Jade stands, tapping her foot, her concern muddied with frustration and exhaustion. Terezi gives her a loose salute, and then rockets off into the night sky.


	4. 2.3: Troll Jackson Pollock

The Ding of the microwave echoes through the dark, cluttered suite of the Strider-Vantas household. No, they aren't married yet, by my estimation that will take another two years, if this continuity lasts that long. It took five years for them to actually start dating, and another year and a half for one of them to confess his love to the other. In this reality it was Karkat (-0.50 tru, -0.01 rel, 0.02 ess, 0.001 u). He stirs from his place on the couch, halfheartedly tries to rise from his lounging position but gives up, slumping back onto the too-plush cushions. His head lolls over to look at his boyfriend, who is curled up in a little ball under a pile of blankets on the armchair. The large television in the center of the room is the only source of light, illuminating the edges of a cluttered pile of fast food wrappers take out containers and empty cereal boxes. If the lights were ever turned on in this room I'm sure the scope of the mess would horrify even the occupants, but as it stands they seem perfectly content to shove all of their garbage into the darkened recesses of their room. Karkat groans.

KARKAT: DAVE  
KARKAT: THE HEATED POCKETS  
KARKAT: GET  
KARKAT: PLEASE

Dave looks over at his boyfriend, sprawled out on the couch. He looks like a mess, Dave thinks, but he's so cute that way. With his little orange nubby horns peeking out from his unkempt hair and his generally rumpled demeanor and the crumbs that still linger around his lips. The way he kicks his legs as they hang over the armrest of the couch and the little mutters he makes when the characters in his movies don't make the decision he wants them to make, even though he's seen the movie a thousand times. There's absolutely no doubt in Dave's mind that he loves this dumbass Troll more than anything in the world. He would kiss him now, if he wasn't so far away.

DAVE: honeybunch i will absolutely not retrieve the heated anything from anywhere  
DAVE: you want your hot pockets then you get them  
DAVE: i'm not your maid  
DAVE: but d'you think i'd look cute in a maid outfit  
DAVE: i bet i'd look cute as shit in a maid outfit   
DAVE: maybe i should get a maid outfit  
KARKAT: YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY GET A MAD OUTFIT  
DAVE: maid outfit  
KARKAT: WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL THE INSANE HUMAN CLEANING GARMENT YOU SHOULD GET ONE AND ALSO THE HOT POCKETS  
KARKAT: YOU SHOULD PRIORITIZE THE HOT POCKETS THOUGH  
DAVE: get the hot pockets yourself you have two functioning legs last time i checked  
KARKAT: IT HAS BEEN SEVERAL FUCKING HOURS SINCE I HAVE MOVED AND IM SORRY TO SAY BUT YOUR BOYFRIENDS LEGS HAVE LIQUIFIED INTO A SUBSTANCE NOT DISSIMILAR TO YOUR HUMAN JELLO  
KARKAT: WHICH APPARENTLY WAS MADE OUT OF BONES? AND HUMANS CALL TROLLS FREAKS, AT LEAST WE DEBONE OUR MEALS   
DAVE: dude no fuck you jello is fucking great   
DAVE: how can you be so cute and also so fucking wrong about everything related to food  
DAVE: seriously i almost broke up with you over your scandalous apple-juice opinions  
KARKAT: FRUIT IS POISONOUS ON MY PLANET YOU RACIST  
DAVE: yeah well on earth its delicious snookums  
DAVE: i mean have you even bothered to try earthfruit  
KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY NOT  
KARKAT: I DONT KNOW WHAT SORT OF INSANE MENTAL GYMNASTICS YOUR BRAIN NEEDS TO GO THROUGH TO THINK THAT EARTH FRUIT IS GOING TO BE ANY LESS LETHAL TO MY FUCKING PHYSIOLOGY THAN THE DEATHFRUIT OF MY HOMEWORLD  
KARKAT: BUT IM NOT GOING TO CHANCE IT  
KARKAT: MAYBE IMMORTAL GODS CAN GO AROUND EATING FRUIT ALL WILLY NILLY WITH NO FEAR BECAUSE WHO IN FUCKS NAME IS GOING TO SEE EATING A FUCKING PLANT AS A HEROIC OR JUST REASON FOR DEATH  
KARKAT: NOBODY THATS WHO  
KARKAT: BECAUSE ITS A STUPID REASON FOR A GOD TO DIE  
DAVE: hon  
DAVE: babe  
DAVE: dj babyface (feat. snoop dogg)   
DAVE: you like pizza right  
KARKAT: OF FUCKING COURSE I DO   
KARKAT: PIZZA IS THE ONLY REDEEMABLE THING HUMANS EVER CREATED  
DAVE: and hot pockets too right  
KARKAT: YEAH THOSE ARE FINE TOO I GUESS  
DAVE: ok i dont want to blow your mind and cause you to go into some kind of extremely melodramatic breakdown complete with fittingly dramatic music and a fully animated sequence that ends with you curled up in a ball on the floor shaking like a very confused puppy dog  
DAVE: but both of those things have tomato sauce in them  
DAVE: tomato sauce  
DAVE: just in case you didnt know from the extremely nonindicative name  
DAVE: contains this thing we humans call a tomato  
DAVE: which is a fruit  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OK MAYBE SO  
KARKAT: BUT THATS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT  
DAVE: literally how  
KARKAT: BECAUSE FUCK YOU  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU IS HOW  
DAVE: ok extremely mature   
DAVE: but i cant find any fault with your argument  
DAVE: also  
DAVE: please go get your hot pockets before theyre cold pockets  
DAVE: which somehow both do and dont contain a fruit based paste at the same time  
DAVE: schrodingers tomato sauce  
DAVE: is it a fruit?   
DAVE: is it not a fruit?  
DAVE: the world may never know  
DAVE: shits more mysterious than the number of licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop  
KARKAT: BUT DAAAAVEEE  
DAVE: dont  
DAVE: dont do the jade thing   
DAVE: i thought we agreed to move past that  
KARKAT: IM NOT DOING "THE JADE THING"   
KARKAT: WHATEVER "THE JADE THING" EVEN REFERS TO IM DEFINITELY NOT DOING IT  
KARKAT: ITS INSULTING THAT YOU THINK EVERY LITTLE THING I SAY IS CONSTRUCTED TO BE SOME SORT OF GRAND SOURCE OF AGGRAVATION TOWARDS YOU  
KARKAT: IM NOT YOUR ECTOSISTER  
KARKAT: NOT EVERYTHING I SAY IS DESIGNED TO HIGHLIGHT EVERY PERCEIVED WEAKNESS YOU THINK YOU HAVE ASSHOLE  
KARKAT: CONTRARY TO YOUR APPARENT BELIEFS  
KARKAT: I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LOVE YOU  
DAVE: aw thanks lovemuffin i love you too

Karkat visibly blushes at that. Dave's best efforts to annoy Karkat more often than not only endeared the lovestruck Knight of Blood to his antics. It vexed Strider, It seemed so arbitrary which jabs would be reciprocated with affection and which would result in the oh-so-satisfying explosion of passionate explaining as to exactly how Dave is and always will be wrong about everything ever. There's something about Karkat's passion that Dave will never ever grow tired of. Its why he tries so hard to get a rise out of them. 

DAVE: but im still not getting your hot pockets

Karkat scowls, and launches a pillow at Dave, who's already instinctively flash-stepped out from under the pile of blankets and stands a foot and a half to the left of the chair. 

KARKAT: SEE NOW YOU'RE UP!  
KARKAT: YOU CAN GO RETRIEVE MY FUCKDAMN HOT POCKETS   
DAVE: ok sugarplum mcgee i'll get your damn hot pockets  
KARKAT: THANK YOU BABY

My brother trudges dramatically out of the living room, kicking aside a stray empty bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red as he enters the kitchen. He swipes a plate from the plastic-sealed package of CrockerCorp brand paper plates that perpetually lives next to the microwave, places the pastry delicately onto the center of the plate, folds the plate up around the meal, and tapes the whole package shut. After ensuring that the package is secure he takes a moment to line up his aim before launching the hot pocket package directly at the side of Karkat's grey face.

It sails over Karkat's head and splats wetly against the far wall of the living room. Karkat turns to look at the sound, and stares, with a look of dismay at the gooey mass of mozzarella and marinara coating the wall.

KARKAT: DID  
KARKAT: DID YOU JUST THROW MY HOT POCKET AT THE WALL  
DAVE: yup

Dave sidles back over to stand at Karkat's side, gazing at the hot pocket slop slowly oozing down the living room wall. He whips out his phone and snaps a photo, the flash briefly illuminating the trash littering the floor of the room. 

KARKAT: WHY  
DAVE: oh you know  
DAVE: sudden unexplainable burst of hot pocket based rage  
DAVE: just the immediate all-consuming desire to absolutely obliterate your savory microwave pastry.   
KARKAT: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE EVERYTHING SO DIFFICULT  
DAVE: i dont  
KARKAT: THEN EXPLAIN WHY MY DINNER IS TROLL JACKSON POLLOCKED ALL OVER OUR LIVING ROOM WALL  
DAVE: cant  
DAVE: explaining the why would ruin the artistic integrity of the whole performance  
KARKAT: MY DINNER ISNT A FUCKING PIECE OF PERFORMANCE ART STRIDER  
DAVE: see its narrow minded thinking like that that blinds you to the true majesty of my artistic vision  
KARKAT: ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS GET ME MY FUCKING DINNER THATS ALL I ASKED FOR YOU GRUBMUNCHING SACK OF SHIT  
DAVE: see this whole thing could have been avoided if you'd just gone and got your own damn meal  
KARKAT: OK WELL I DIDNT MAKE THE MESS SO IM NOT CLEANING IT UP  
KARKAT: THATS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM TO DEAL WITH

Dave gazes out over the dimly lit, trash covered apartment and sighs. Now that Karkat mentions it, Dave realizes, the whole apartment could probably use a bit of work.

DAVE: actually we should probably clean this whole place up  
DAVE: its starting to get a little messy  
KARKAT: UGH BUT I DONT WANNA

Dave walks over and flips on a light switch, Karkat hisses and covers his eyes as the apartment is bathed in light for the first time in what I can only assume to be months. Dave stares, open mouthed, at the state of the living room.

DAVE: oh  
DAVE: holyshit   
DAVE: how is it this bad  
DAVE: didnt we just clean this like  
DAVE: i dunno like a month ago  
KARKAT: IT CANT BE THAT BAD  
DAVE: it absolutely is  
DAVE: did that cheeto bag just move  
DAVE: that settles it  
DAVE: we have to clean this up now

Karkat opens his mouth to protest but closes it quickly, maybe deciding upon a second look that the room is, in fact, a complete pigsty and does, in fact, need to be cleaned immediately. He looks again, and feels a deep disgust well up from deep within him. He wonders how he has managed to put up with living like this for so long, and he hates himself just a little bit more for even daring to pretend for a moment that that this room was an acceptable level of clean.

KARKAT: OK YEAH FUCK THIS IS PRETTY BAD  
DAVE: ok how bad you thinking because im at like a 9 out of 10 bad  
KARKAT: DID YOUR EARTH HAVE SCROTUMRATS  
DAVE: im devastated to say that my planet did not have scrotumrats  
KARKAT: OK WELL I WAS GOING TO SAY THIS PLACE IS DIRTIER THEN THE INSIDE OF A SCROTUMRATS GENITORAL CAVITY BUT YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THAT IS SO NOW I HAVE TO COME UP WITH A DIFFERENT ANALOGY  
DAVE: dont bother i think i get the picture  
DAVE: i mean im assuming that means you agree with me that we should clean this up  
DAVE: now  
KARKAT: YES  
KARKAT: WE ABSOLUTELY NEED TO CLEAN THIS UP RIGHT NOW

Good boy.

KARKAT: THANKS  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: NOTHING FORGET IT

It's quite miraculous, really; seeing the two men suddenly jump into action. Dave fetches a cleaning bucket and mop, and Karkat makes several lewd remarks about exactly what sort of activity the two of them were about to engage in. Dave throws a rag at him. They tackle the mess like two functioning adults, rarely even stopping to bicker as they gather up all of the litter in their room into a neat pile of tied off trash bags. Dave deftly sweeps the PILE OF TRASHBAGS into his sylladex and rushes out of the apartment and down the stairs to deposit it into the dumpster. Karkat, without even a muttered innuendo, fills the cleaning bucket, and begins to mop away at the crusted remains of so many weeks worth of forgotten and ignored spills. Dave darts back up the stairs and into the apartment, slipping on the wet hardwood. He catches himself in the air, hovering about an inch from the floor, and shoots his boyfriend a brief annoyed look before righting himself and touching back down. 

The two toil away at the mess for several hours, with a determination that hasn't been seen from either of them for almost seven years. When they finish, the entire apartment is spotless. Countertops and floors are clean, cabinets are organized, flat surfaces are dusted, and, perhaps most importantly, the house doesn't reek of month old pizza. Karkat collapses into the couch, panting heavily from exertion.

KARKAT: HOLY FUCK  
KARKAT: WE  
KARKAT: WE REALLY DID THAT  
DAVE: you could say we  
DAVE: made it happen 

Dave collapses ontop of the smaller troll, eliciting an angry grunt from underneath him.

KARKAT: GET OFF ME YOU SWEATY PIECE OF GARGBAGE   
DAVE: no way  
DAVE: youre warm  
KARKAT: THATS FUCKING ADORABLE BUT YOURE ACTUALLY KIND OF SUFFOCATING ME YOU LANKY SHITMUNCH  
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU FORGET BECAUSE IM THE ODDITY OUT OF EVERYONE BUT  
KARKAT: IM NOT IMMORTAL  
KARKAT: HELL IM NOT EVEN HALF IMMORTAL OR PERMA UNDEAD LIKE SOLLUX OR KANAYA   
KARKAT: ILL PROBABLY DIE WAY BEFORE ANY OF YOU FREAKS  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW  
KARKAT: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

Dave floats himself off of Karkat, letting the grey skinned troll readjust his position on the couch before Dave lowers himself back down to spoon him. His arms wrap loosely around his waist and Karkat lets out a muffled, contented chirp. Dave stays still and quiet, listening to that sound for a moment before responding.

DAVE: i   
DAVE: i dont know dude  
DAVE: i dont like thinking like that   
DAVE: im done with planning for the future  
DAVE: done with worrying about that stuff  
DAVE: im not going to let you die on me  
DAVE: you cant escape me that easily  
DAVE: im sure well figure something out  
DAVE: and besides  
DAVE: we have ages before we even have to worry about that

Dave hugs the petite troll closer, nuzzling the back of his neck. Karkat frowns, clearly distracted by the topic of conversation. Dave, as usual, remains utterly oblivious to his boyfriend’s concerns.

KARKAT: I  
KARKAT: I GUESS

Karkat quiets down for a moment, lost in thought; the concerns of his own impending mortality seeming to weigh heavily on his mind.

KARKAT: ACTUALLY  
KARKAT: I KINDA WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO SOLLUX  
KARKAT: DO YOU THINK HES STILL ALIVE OUT THERE  
KARKAT: OR HALF-ALIVE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK  
DAVE: i never really got to know the guy very well  
DAVE: he popped up in a few dreambubbles but i just  
DAVE: i never really talked to him  
DAVE: he was like  
DAVE: your friend right  
KARKAT: HONESTLY?  
KARKAT: ITS SUPER FUCKING OBVIOUS LOOKING BACK BUT  
KARKAT: I KINDA CRUSHED ON HIM REALLY HARD  
KARKAT: I MEAN  
KARKAT: HE WAS A MUTANT LIKE ME RIGHT?  
KARKAT: WITH HIS WEIRD BINARY THING GOING ON  
KARKAT: AND I GUESS I THOUGHT   
KARKAT: THAT HE WOULD HAVE TO ACCEPT ME AND MY MUTATION   
KARKAT: I WORRIED A LOT ABOUT THAT BACK IN THOSE DAYS  
KARKAT: ENDED UP NOT EVEN BEING THAT BIG OF A DEAL IN THE END  
KARKAT: I MEAN I ENDED UP MAKING A WHOLE RACE OF IDIOTS WITH THE SAME DUMBSHIT COLOR BLOOD AS ME BUT  
KARKAT: IF YOU WERE TO SEE ME BACK THEN  
KARKAT: YOUD THINK PEOPLE KNOWING ABOUT MY BLOOD COLOR WAS LIKE  
KARKAT: THE END OF THE WORLD  
KARKAT: I MEAN FOR SIX SWEEPS OF MY LIFE IT DEFINITELY FUCKING WOULD HAVE BEEN  
DAVE: hate to break it to you bro   
DAVE: but i actually was there for like  
DAVE: a disgusting amount of that self flagellating blood color nonsense  
KARKAT: YOU ACTUALLY HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA  
KARKAT: LITERALLY ONE MISERABLE HALF OF MY LIFE WAS SPENT IN CONSTANT FEAR THAT SOMEONE WOULD FIND OUT ABOUT MY DUMB BLOOD COLOR AND I WOULD BE KILLED ON THE SPOT  
KARKAT: SOLLUX PUT UP WITH A LOT OF MY HOOFBEASTSHIT  
KARKAT: I MEAN  
KARKAT: I NEVER TOLD HIM ABOUT MY BLOOD COLOR BUT  
KARKAT: LOOKING BACK I WAS BASICALLY THE OPPOSITE OF SUBTLE  
KARKAT: HE DEFINITELY KNEW  
KARKAT: HE STILL PUT UP WITH ME  
KARKAT: IF I WAS LIKE  
KARKAT: INTO THE QUADRANT LIFESTYLE  
KARKAT: I COULD SEE HIM AS BEING A PRETTY GOOD KISMESIS FOR ME  
KARKAT: HES DEFINITELY INFURIATING ENOUGH   
DAVE: so  
DAVE: you miss him  
KARKAT: I  
KARKAT: YEAH OF COURSE I DO  
KARKAT: ITS JUST  
DAVE: its just  
KARKAT: ITS JUST IF I SEE HIM AGAIN ILL HAVE TO SORT OUT MY FEELINGS ABOUT HIM  
KARKAT: IVE BASICALLY JUST PUT THEM IN A BOX AND HOPED TO FUCK THAT ID NEVER HAVE TO EVALUATE IT  
KARKAT: BECAUSE  
KARKAT: I LOVE YOU  
KARKAT: I MEAN I HATE YOU   
KARKAT: YOU SUCK AND YOURE THE BEST THING THATS EVER HAPPENED TO ME  
KARKAT: AND IM SCARED THAT IF I EVER SEE HIM AGAIN ILL REALIZE I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM  
KARKAT: AND THAT THOSE FEELINGS WILL COMPLICATE  
KARKAT: UM  
KARKAT: OUR ARRANGEMENT  
DAVE: our arrangement  
DAVE: holy shit  
DAVE: you could not have made our current status as a COUPLE that is DATING   
DAVE: which by the way is specifically the thing we are doing  
DAVE: sound any fucking sketchier  
DAVE: our arrangement  
DAVE: like im some wedlocked sap trapped in a miserably unhappy marriage with some broad i care too much about to divorce but not enough about not to go cavorting about with some two bit hooker on a biweekly basis  
DAVE: like i care about my wife in this scenario but also im seeing  
DAVE: fuck i dont know  
DAVE: lets say obama  
DAVE: im seeing obama on the side and its super clear i have way stronger feelings for obama than i do for my wife but if i leave her itll break her damn heart  
DAVE: youre the hooker in this scenario   
DAVE: and also i guess obama  
DAVE: that metaphor kinda got away from me  
KARKAT: OK THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THAT  
DAVE: no but really  
DAVE: do you really think you have feelings for sollux still  
DAVE: how long has it been since you last saw him  
DAVE: seven years?  
DAVE: nine?  
KARKAT: I KNOW ITS BEEN A WHILE I DIDNT SAY IT WAS A RATIONAL FEAR BULGEMUNCHER  
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY I LOVE YOU DAVE  
KARKAT: RATIONALLY I KNOW NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT  
KARKAT: BUT I STILL WORRY  
KARKAT: AND  
KARKAT: I DUNNO  
KARKAT: I STILL CARE ABOUT HIM  
KARKAT: I HOPE HES ALIVE OUT THERE

Karkat shuffles around so he can face Dave. Dave gives the troll a soft smile, which is returned with a gentle headbump.

KARKAT: WHATS THAT SAPPY LOOK FOR  
DAVE: nothin  
DAVE: youre just cute dude  
DAVE: no offence to Sollux but im super happy you ended up with me  
KARKAT: ME TOO  
KARKAT: THIS IS  
KARKAT: NICE  
DAVE: we earned this  
DAVE: this peace  
DAVE: this happy ending  
DAVE: we deserve it  
KARKAT: WE DO

Dave leans in and kisses Karkat. It's a gentle kiss. Reassuring and kind. Vulnerable. Karkat kisses back, a quick peck, but he pulls back, his face plainly showing concern.

KARKAT: BUT  
KARKAT: SOLLUX? ARADIA?   
KARKAT: HELL EVEN VRISKA? SHE WAS PRETTY FUCKING INTEGRAL TO OUR EVENTUAL SUCCESS  
KARKAT: I MEAN AT LEAST I THINK SHE WAS?  
KARKAT: SHE SURE MADE GOING OFF AND FIGHTING THAT BIG SKULL DUDE SOUND BIG AND IMPORTANT  
KARKAT: I MEAN THEYRE ALL PROBABLY STILL ALIVE  
KARKAT: VRISKA IS BASICALLY UNKILLABLE  
KARKAT: AND IF SOLLUX IS HANGING AROUND WITH ARADIA I THINK SHED KEEP HIM SAFE  
KARKAT: EVEN IF SHE DOES PROBABLY CONSISTENTLY LEAD HIM INTO INCREASINGLY DANGEROUS AND STUPID ESCAPADES  
KARKAT: I STILL FIND MYSELF HOPING ILL SEE THEM AGAIN SOMEDAY  
KARKAT: I MEAN  
KARKAT: THEY CANT BE GONE FOREVER  
KARKAT: ITS NOT LIKE WERE LIVING IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT REALITY FROM THEM  
DAVE: oh for sure  
DAVE: there are basically two things i have no doubt about   
DAVE: that were gonna be happy here on earth c for the rest of our lives  
DAVE: and that you will definitely see your friends again

Karkat smiles and leans in to kiss my brother. It's far more passionate than the last. The two embrace tightly, and share a long, quiet kiss. Karkat breaks off reluctantly, blushing bright red through his tough grey skin. A wide, goofy smile shining across his face.

Dave is right, Karkat thinks. Dave is absolutely right, as he usually is. He's so lucky to get to spend his life with Dave, as short or long as that may be. Maybe, just maybe, with all these immortal, all powerful gods as friends, they’ll find a way to make him live forever as well.

KARKAT: YEAH YOURE RIGHT  
KARKAT: WERE DEFINITELY GOING TO BE HAPPY TOGETHER FOREVER

Karkat hugs his boyfriend again. Boyfriend. What a weird, stupidly human word, he thinks to himself. Inelegant. Entirely divorced from whatever quadrant the two of them occupy. More emphasis placed on something as purposelessly intricate and nonsensical as the human notion of gender than on any rigidly defined and culturally significant demarker of biological importance. He kind of likes it. Boyfriend. He smiles. In some ways it suits their relationship far more than “matesprit” or “kismesis” or any other troll term. And that was just fine with Karkat.

A sudden, sharp rap on the door brings the quiet moment to an immediate, harsh conclusion.

DAVE: you didn't order pizza right?  
KARKAT: I WOULDN'T HAVE MADE YOU MAKE ME HOT POCKETS IF I HAD ORDERED A PIZZA, STRIDER  
DAVE: ok cool so who's at the door?  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW WHY DON'T YOU CHECK IT OUT?  
DAVE: oh no we are not doing this again, i got you your damn meal   
KARKAT: YOU THREW MY MEAL AT THE WALL LIKE AN OVERZEALOUS ARTIST EXCITED TO TRY OUT HIS NEW BATCH OF PAINTS  
DAVE: i fixed it  
KARKAT: YOU TOOK A PHOTO OF IT PUT IT ON CHIRPSTER WITH THE CAPTION "i made dinner tonight #art #dinner"  
DAVE: and then i cleaned it up  
KARKAT: NO  
KARKAT: *YOU ROPED ME INTO A FOUR HOUR LONG DEEP CLEAN OF OUR ENTIRE APARTMENT*  
KARKAT: REALLY I GUESS THE LALONDE “NOT A TOTAL SLOB GENE” DIDNT TOTALLY SKIP YOUR SORRY ASS  
DAVE: ok wow  
DAVE: rude  
DAVE: i cant believe you would ever even think that one iota of lalonde dna is in my totally baller genetic sequence   
DAVE: im hurt  
KARKAT: GOOD  
DAVE: also rose is like the second messiest person i know are you joking?  
DAVE: i mean i know our apartment was kind of a wreck but on a whole i think i rank above her on the not-a-slob-scale  
KARKAT: IT WASNT A PARTICULARLY WELL THOUGHT OUT BURN ALRIGHT

The knocks come again, louder this time. They seem, somehow more urgent than before. 

KARKAT: WHO EVEN IS THAT  
DAVE: go fucking open the door and find out why dont you

Grumbling, Karkat dislodges himself from Dave’s gentle spooning and trudges over to the door. He swings the door open, a scathing rebuke primed in his mind for whoever could be so rude as to interrupt his all important bro-cuddle-sesh. The words die in his mouth as he takes in the tall, disheveled figure on the other side of the door. The ragged tatters of a once fine dress caked in mud and soot clings wetly to the tall, lanky and shuddering form in front of him. Dark circles ring the blank, unfocused eyes of the being. Once immaculate makeup smeared and obscured underneath layers of caked on dirt and grime. Once neat and pristine hair is matted with grime and twigs.

KARKAT: OH MY GOD  
KARKAT: KANAYA?  



	5. 2.4: The Heiress In Her Tower

Jane Crocker sits alone in the office of her penthouse suite at Crocker Heights, the tallest building in the human kingdom. She sighs and half-assedly peruses the important and official-looking document in front of her. It sort of frustrates her that despite her status as a literal fucking god, some of her constituents seem to be far more capable in terms of legal understanding and business sense. She’s the CEO after all, she should be the best! And the fact that there's just... regular old mortal humans who are better than she is at... well at anything? It concerns her. Maybe she’s wrong, maybe she’s making a mistake. Maybe she should give up the role of heiress to someone more fitted... She shakes head, and lets out a forced laugh. No, no of course not. Someone more fitted? What a ridiculous notion. She’s Jane Crocker after all. She was born to do this job. This is her meaning. What is good for her, for her company, is good for the whole planet! She redoubles her efforts to get through the densely worded text, but her resolve only lasts for a few lines before she groans in resignation and crumples up the paper, tossing it into a CrockerCorp branded waste bin. It misses. She supposes that she can just get her advisors to explain the implications of the Bill to her tomorrow. God forbid if she throw the considerable weight of the _CrockerCorp Greater Interest Group_ 's lobbying power behind any piece of legislature without at least vaguely understanding the implications. She resolutely decides to remind herself to have her top advisors brief her in the morning. It's late anyways, and she deserves to take a break, she figures, pushing back from her desk and stand up out of her chair, stretching gently. 

She turns and walks to the liquor cabinet at the far end of the room. She wastes little time uncorking a particularly expensive looking bottle of wine, and pouring herself a glass. 

Yes, she thinks to herself. Its hard to be a god. There's just so much reading and paperwork involved. Its all so tiresome, and far less interesting than her childhood fantasies had made it out to be. 

She sighs and takes a swig of the drink, grimacing as she swallows. If she’s being fully honest with herself, she finds the taste of wine quite disgusting, but it's the only drink she deems sophisticated enough for her to drink.

She knows she's alone and could drink whatever she wants, but there's something concerning about the idea of letting up the charade of high class nobility, even in the privacy of her own home. Its unconscionable. She is a goddess after all. Gods should be held to a higher standard than mortals, something her fellow gods seem woefully incapable of accepting. 

It’s as she takes a second swig of the unappetizing liquid that she hears a knock at the window. She frowns, not bothering to turn and check, because, really? Who would be knocking on her window at this hour? Most of her fellow gods seemed to do their best to ignore her these days, Roxy doesn't come around after...

Well it doesn't matter. and it's not like any of the Trolls would bother to contact her, and it’s not like any of them can fly and even if one of them had the means to she certainly wouldn’t be showing up out of the blue without—.

TEREZI: J4N3  
TEREZI: H3Y J4N3  
TEREZI: J4N3!!!  
TEREZI: OP3N TH1S W1NDOW YOU P13C3 OF G4RB4G3  


Jane turns around, and across the room, pressing her face and—urgh—tongue all over the glass of the 133rd floor of Crocker Heights is Terezi Pyrope. Jane’s face pales as she takes in the roguish grin of the troll. She rushes over to the window and hisses through the thick glass

JANE: What are you doing here?  
JANE: This is ridiculous! You can’t be here!  
TEREZI: TH3N OP3N TH1S FUCK1NG W1NDOW B3FOR3 SOM3BODY S33S M3  
JANE: Are you serious?  
TEREZI: ABSOLUT3LY  
TEREZI: NOW OP3N TH1S W1NDOW SO 1 C4N K1CK YOUR 4SS

Jane reluctantly slides the window open. In a flash the tealblood is in her room, looking around at the gaudy red decor, apparently utterly disinterested in kicking her ass. She weaves around the spacious, two tier apartment, raising an eyebrow at the indoor pool, and gawking open-mouthed at the truly astonishing solid gold statue of Jane Crocker that makes up the centerpiece of the open floored space. Jane follows behind her closely, fretting over every little thing that Terezi licks, inspects, or sniffs. 

TEREZI: PR3TTY SW1SH PL4C3, CROCK3R  
TEREZI: LOV3 TH3 US3 OF R3D  
TEREZI: V3RY 4UTHOR1T4R14N  
TEREZI: GOTT4 S4Y THOUGH TH1S FLOOR OV3R4LL?  
TEREZI: L3SS 1MPR3SS1V3 TH4N THE L4ST SPOT YOU L1V3D 1N 1N MY 3XTR3M3LY HON3ST OP1N1ON  
TEREZI: 1 4SSUM3 TH4TS WHY TH3 CR4N3S 4R3 OUT TH3R3?  
TEREZI: YOUR3 BU1LD1NG 4NOTH3R FLOOR B3C4US3 TH1S ON3 1SNT L4V1SH 3NOUGH FOR YOU Y3T?  
TEREZI: 1S THE HUM4N-PROF3SS1ON4L-SPORT S1ZED POOL COMPL3T3 W1TH W4T3RSL1D3 NOT 3NOUGH FOR YOU?  
JANE: What are you doing here?  
TEREZI: 4W COM3 ON CROCK3R 4R3NT YOU GL4D TO S33 M3?  
JANE: I thought you said you were going to call the next time you decided to come over for one of these...  
JANE: Things.  
TEREZI: TH1NGS?  
TEREZI: TH4TS C3RT41NLY ON3 W4Y TO D3SCR1B3 WH4T W3 DO H3R3  
TEREZI: 4LSO 1 L13D 4BOUT TH4T  
JANE: Ugh!  
JANE: Why on Earth would you do that!?  
TEREZI: B3C4US3 1 KN3W 1T WOULD 4NNOY YOU  
JANE: You really are insufferable, you know that?  
TEREZI: 1TS ON3 OF MY B3ST QU4L1T13S  
JANE: AUGH.  
JANE: You are the worst!   
JANE: I can’t stand you at all! You’re completely unhinged in just about every way. You’re rude, you’re messy, and you don’t care about anyone other than yourself.   
JANE: So please just tell me why you are here!?  
TEREZI: B3C4US3 IM F41RLY C3RT41N TH4T YOUR3 4BOUT TO DO SOM3 R34L CLOWN SH1T 1N TH3 WORLD CONGR3SS  
TEREZI: 4LSO B3C4US3 I H4D 4 F1GHT W1TH YOUR D4UGHT3R   
TEREZI: 4ND 1 N33D3D TO COOL OFF FOR 4 WHIL3  
JANE: I  
JANE: ARGH!!  
JANE: I’m not even going to touch that second thing. I don’t want to know.   
JANE: But I’m absolutely boondoggled by the accusation that I would be doing any sort of inappropriate nonsense with my not inconsiderable political power.  
TEREZI: J4N3 1 TH1NK YOU 4R3 PHYS1C4LLY 1NC4P4BL3 OF NOT DO1NG CLOWN1SH SH1T ON 4 R3GUL4R B4S1S  
TEREZI: 4LSO D1D 1 3V3R M3NT1ON TH4T 1M FUCK1NG YOUR D4UGHT3R?  
TEREZI: B3C4US3 1M FUCK1NG YOUR D4UGHT3R  
JANE: I REALLY DIDN'T NEED TO HEAR THAT!!!!!  
JANE: AUGH!!  
JANE: YOU ARE JUST AWFUL!!!!!  
TEREZI: TH3N WHY DONT YOU DO SOM3THING 4BOUT 1T HUH?

Terezi inches closer to Jane; a smug, superior smile dancing across her face. Jane growls low under her breath.

TEREZI: COM3 ON CROCK3R  
TEREZI: 1 KNOW YOU W4NT TO  
TEREZI: H1T M3  
TEREZI: YOU WONT

She does. She socks Terezi square in the jaw, knocking Terezi off balance and delivering a satisfying “OOF” from the Troll. Terezi retaliates almost immediately, grabbing Jane and pushing her against the nearest wall. As she moves to pin Jane, she knocks into a display stand showcasing a diamond-encrusted mixing bowl. It falls to the ground and shatters. Jane makes a pained noise as she watches it fall. She wrestles gently against Terezi’s grip, but gives up surprisingly quickly.

JANE: Can we please just skip the elaborate pitch foreplay and get to the part where you kiss me?  
TEREZI: 4BSOLUTL3Y NOT  
TEREZI: TH3R3 4R3 RUL3S 4ND PROTOCOLS FOR TH3S3 TH1NGS FOR A R34SON  
JANE: Rules and protocols that you have pulled out of your own heiney to inconvenience and frustrate me!  
TEREZI: 3X4CTLY  
TEREZI: V3X1NG YOU 1S TH3 WHOL3 PO1NT CROCK3R  
TEREZI: NOW  
TEREZI: WH4T 1S TH3 R34SON YOUR3 GO1NG TO SHOW UP TO SP34K 4T TH3 WORLD CONGR3SS TOMORROW  
JANE: Terezi, asking about my political motivations isn’t sexy at all!  
TEREZI: FOR YOU M4YB3  
TEREZI: FOR M3 1T 1S FOR3PL4Y OF TH3 MOST D3L3CT4BL3 V4R13TY  
JANE: UGH!  
JANE: Fine.  
JANE: I was going to advocate on behalf of the Troll Reproduction Automation Act.  
TEREZI: HRM >:/  
TEREZI: J4N3  
TEREZI: TH4T DO3SNT SOUND V3RY 3TH1C4L TO M3  
TEREZI: 1S TH3R3 P3RCH4NC3 SOM3 MON3T4RY R34SON YOU WOULD B3 B4CK1NG SUCH 4 S1N3ST3R SOUND1NG B1LL?  
JANE: ...  
JANE: Yes.  
TEREZI: >:[  
JANE: CrockerCorp is on the shortlist of companies they would choose from to design and manufacture the drones that would be automating the reproduction processes of the Trolls.  
JANE: And by throwing enough money behind it, the chance of securing that grant for CrockerCorp increased exponentially  
JANE: Or at least, that's what my advisors told me.  
TEREZI: WOW J4N3  
TEREZI: 1 F1GUR3D YOU WOULD B3 UP TO SOM3 CLOWN SH1T 1N CONGR3SS BUT   
TEREZI: 1M 4CTU4LLY K1ND OF 1MPR3SSED  
TEREZI: TH1S 1S L3G1T1M4T3LY F4R MOR3 V1LL4NOUS TH4N 1 3XP3CT3D FROM YOU  
TEREZI: YOU KNOW WH4T 1M GO1NG TO S4Y THOUGH  
TEREZI: R1GHT?

Jane droops her head like a scolded puppy. The action is frankly ridiculous and I cannot believe I’m watching it unfold. The intense might of the god-heiress to the Crocker Empire laid low by the gentle pitch admonishment of a singular troll. 

JANE: Yes.  
TEREZI: 4ND TH4T 1S?  
JANE: You want me to publicly pull my support and funding for the bill.  
TEREZI: Y3S 4ND?  
JANE: You want me to use my scheduled lobbying time to decry the bill as being inhumane and an affront to the autonomy of the troll race?  
TEREZI: 3X4CTLY!  
TEREZI: S33? TH4T W4SNT SO H4RD W4S 1T?  
JANE: Fuck you!  
JANE: Stop belittling me! I’m not a child anymore!  
TEREZI: YOU M1GHT NOT B3 4 CH1LD J4N3  
TEREZI: BUT YOUR3 4 P3RSON 1N 4 POS1T1ON OF POW3R WHO HAS TH3 B4D H4B1T OF 1GNOR1NG TH3 L1TTL3 VO1C3 1N H3R H34D TH4T T3LLS H3R SH3 M1GHT B3 DO1NG TH3 WRONG TH1NG 3SPEC1ALLY WH3N TH3 WRONG TH1NG D1R3CTLY B3N3F1TS H3R 1N TH3 SHORT T3RM  
TEREZI: 4ND TH4TS D4NG3ROUS  
JANE: Oh flatter me more, why don’t you.

The sarcasm drips from Jane's words like venom from the fangs of a snake. Terezi just laughs derisively in response and leans in to forcefully kiss at Jane, whose eyes shoot open in bewilderment. Terezi breaks off the kiss, giving Jane an impish grin.

TEREZI: J4N3  
TEREZI: YOU R34LLY 4R3 4 P13C3 OF G4RB4G3  
TEREZI: BUT 1 GU3SS YOU 4R3NT 4 TOT4L LOST C4US3  
JANE: FUCK YOU!  
JANE: You can’t just belittle me like this and then expect me to accept your kiss without getting even!  
TEREZI: TH3N G3T 3V3N J4N3  
TEREZI: YOU 4ND 1 BOTH KNOW YOU C4N 34S1LY OV3RPOW3R MY GR1P   
TEREZI: IM NOT 3V3N P1NN1NG YOU 1N 4 W4Y TH4T R3STRICTS YOUR MOV3M3NTS

Jane snorts, and pauses for a moment to consider her options. And then she pounces, wrenching her wrists free from Terezi’s grip, kneeing her in the shins and lunging forward, knocking her off balance. She lands on top of her as they both collapse to the floor. Terezi grins up at her, pinned underneath Jane as she pants breathily, a glimmer of lust twinkling in her eyes. 

TEREZI: OH MY  
TEREZI: W3LL NOW WH4T 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO DO TO M3?  
JANE: Fuck you.  
TEREZI: WOW 4ND P3OPL3 C4LL M3 FORW4RD  
JANE: No! That’s not what I meant!!!  
TEREZI: NOT 3V3N 4 L1TTL3?  
JANE: Well... maybe just a little.  
TEREZI: >:]  
TEREZI: TH3N WHY DONT YOU K1SS M3?  
JANE: Terezi, you’re too forward!  
TEREZI: NOT 3V3RYTH1NG N33DS TO H4V3 4 34 P4GE RULEBOOK 4SSOC14T3D W1TH 1T  
JANE: An ea page rulebook?  
TEREZI: TH1RTY FOUR  
TEREZI: WH4T 1M S4Y1NG 1S TH4T NOT 3V3RYTH1NG N33DS STR1CT RUL3S 4LL TH3 T1M3 CROCK3R  
JANE: I know, gosh!  
JANE: You really are just the worst little gremlin!

She leans down and kisses Terezi The tealblood pushes back into the kiss adding her long tongue to the in pulls look of disgust pulling her mouth into sneer as tongue licks sloppily across her

JANE: Terezi!  
JANE: GROSS!!  
TEREZI: WH4T W3R3 YOU 3XP3CTING?  
JANE: Something at least a little more sanitary than that!  
TEREZI: WH4TS TH4T?  
JANE: Like... clean?  
TEREZI: 4ND Y3T TH3 4CT OF CO1TUS 1S SO FR3QU3NTLY D3SCR1B3D 4S “DO1NG TH3 N4STY”  
JANE: UGH!!!!  
JANE: I can’t believe I’m about to fuck you.  
TEREZI: R34LLY?  
TEREZI: B3C4US3 1 C4N  
TEREZI: 1 M34N  
TEREZI: 1M SO FUCK1NG HOT  
TEREZI: HOW C4N YOU NOT FUCK M3  
JANE: Believe me Terezi, that is a question that I find myself wishing I had an actionable answer to on a daily basis.   
TEREZI: UGGGGGHH JUST SHUT UP 4ND FUCK M3 4LR34DY


	6. 2.5: Step Two

The noon day sun filters in through the open fifth-story window of the Strider-Vantas Household. The two boys sit in the living room sharing concerned looks with each other, as the sounds of the shower echo through the apartment. A small inflatable mattress has been set up in the corner of the living room for Kanaya, who’s ragged clothes are tossed into a hamper near the door to the bathroom. For once the television is not turned on.

DAVE: so  
DAVE: how long do you think shes gonna stay with us  
KARKAT: I HAVE NO IDEA  
KARKAT: WE DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HER YET  
KARKAT: SHE PASSED RIGHT THE FUCK OUT THE MINUTE I OPENED THE DOOR  
KARKAT: FOR A SECOND I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD  
DAVE: you mean like dead-er right  
DAVE: i mean i know shes like a trollpire  
KARKAT: RAINBOW DRINKER  
DAVE: right  
DAVE: trollpire  
DAVE: but even like knowing that  
DAVE: and like spending three years of my life in close proximity to her corpsey nonsense   
DAVE: i think this is the first time it really like  
DAVE: struck me that  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: that shes like  
DAVE: dead  
KARKAT: SHE DOESNT LOOK GOOD  
KARKAT: IF THATS WHAT YOURE SAYING  
KARKAT: ILL AGREE WITH YOU  
KARKAT: IT WAS A LITTLE REASSURING TO HEAR HER DEMAND TO USE OUR SHOWER WHEN SHE WOKE UP  
KARKAT: BUT SHE SLEPT FOR LIKE  
KARKAT: A DAY AND A HALF  
DAVE: like i said  
DAVE: trollpire  
DAVE: which  
DAVE: sorta answered my question about whether or not trollpires  
KARKAT: PLEASE CALL THEM RAINBOW DRINKERS  
DAVE: absolutely not   
DAVE: stop interrupting me  
KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY NOT  
DAVE: what was i even about to say  
DAVE: you completely derailed my train of thought good going douchelet  
DAVE: oh wait i remember  
DAVE: i was saying how that answered my question of whether or not  
DAVE: trollpires had to sleep in whatever the troll-equivalent of coffins were  
KARKAT: WE DIDNT HAVE COFFINS ON ALTERNIA  
KARKAT: THERE WERENT BURIALS ON ALTERNIA  
KARKAT: WE DIDNT BURY OUR DEAD  
DAVE: what the fuck  
DAVE: youre joking right  
KARKAT: NOPE  
KARKAT: THE DRONES TOOK CARE OF THE DISPOSAL OF MOST OF THE CORPSES ON ALTERNIA  
KARKAT: AND WE CERTAINLY DIDNT PERFORM DRAMATICALLY OVERWROUGHT AND RIDICULOUS DEATHPARTIES LIKE YOU HUMANS DID  
KARKAT: ALTHOUGH  
KARKAT: I GUESS THE TROLLS ON EARTH C DO?  
KARKAT: WHICH KIND OF WEIRDS ME OUT NO OFFENSE  
KARKAT: LIKE  
KARKAT: HOW MUCH OF ALTERNIAN CULTURE DID WE LOSE BY JUMPING AHEAD 5000 YEARS OR WHATEVER  
DAVE: i dunno man  
DAVE: sometimes i wonder if that was the right decision  
DAVE: like did we shirk our responsibilities at all  
DAVE: neither of our planets were super great places to live in the first place  
DAVE: and by like  
DAVE: skipping over the whole  
DAVE: cultivating a civilization portion of the history of the world  
DAVE: did we miss our chance to   
DAVE: i dunno  
DAVE: maybe change some things?  
KARKAT: WE WERE LIKE SEVEN  
DAVE: i dont think im ever going to get used to troll ages  
DAVE: how the fuck old are we now anyway  
DAVE: in like  
DAVE: fucked up troll years  
KARKAT: TEN AND A HALF  
DAVE: yeah see hearing shit like that gives me the heebie jeebies  
DAVE: like imagine talking to someone who doesnt know like  
DAVE: oh yeah the guy im dating?  
DAVE: hes ten and a half  
DAVE: no worries though  
DAVE: its like  
DAVE: a cultural thing  
DAVE: so its completely normal and not at all weird  


Karkat shoots Dave an annoyed look. Dave just grins back at him, winking behind his shades.

DAVE: anyway what do you think happened to her  
KARKAT: I HAVE NO IDEA  
KARKAT: AND THAT TERRIFIES ME  
KARKAT: I TRIED GETTING IN TOUCH WITH ROSE TO SEE IF SHE KNEW ANYTHING  
KARKAT: I MEAN  
KARKAT: I KNOW THEYVE BEEN GOING THROUGH A BIT OF ROUGH SPOT RECENTLY  
DAVE: i straight up havent heard from rose in like a year and a half  
KARKAT: SHE DIDNT ANSWER MY CALL EITHER  
DAVE: well thats  
DAVE: concerning

The sounds of the showering coming from the bathroom suddenly stops, and the two boys almost instinctively stop talking. They wait for another five or six minutes before Kanaya exits the bathroom. She looks great, actually. Much better than she looked last night, even without makeup it's clear that the shower and the full nights sleep have done her a world of good. She smiles at both of them. It's a sad, gentle smile.

KANAYA: Thank You Both For Your Hospitality  
KANAYA: I Apologize For Imposing On You Both Like This  
KANAYA: I Know It Was Out Of The Blue But I Had Noone Else To Turn To Really  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: its no problem at all kanaya  
DAVE: do you uh  
DAVE: maybe have spare clothes you brought  
KANAYA: They All Burned Down In The Fire That Took My Old Life From Me  
KANAYA: And I Havent Had The Time To Go Shopping For The Materials To Make New Ones  
KANAYA: I Hope You Dont Mind  
DAVE: i   
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: what no nope  
DAVE: me  
DAVE: mind?  
DAVE: nope not at all   
DAVE: why would you think i mind  
DAVE: i definitely dont mind  
DAVE: having my sisters wife half naked in my living room  
DAVE: wearing nothing but a towel  
DAVE: its totally cool and not at all weird   
DAVE: right karkat?

Karkat, intelligently, says nothing. Kanaya, meanwhile, gives a small smirk in the direction of my brother.

DAVE: so  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: apropos of nothing  
DAVE: you uh  
DAVE: you do realize how sexy you look like that  
DAVE: right  
KARKAT: DAVE CAN YOU STOP BEING WEIRD FOR LIKE FIVE FUCKING SECONDS  
DAVE: im not being weird youre being weird  
KANAYA: I Am Well Aware yes  
KARKAT: KANAYA PLEASE DONT ENCOURAGE HIM  
KANAYA: I Am Not  
DAVE: shes not  
DAVE: wait youre not  
KANAYA: Of Course Not  
KANAYA: I Know How Hot I Am  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: c  
DAVE: cool  
DAVE: yeah  
KANAYA: Indeed  
KARKAT: I AM PHYSICALLY DYING  
KARKAT: I HOPE YOU BOTH KNOW THIS  
KARKAT: *THIS VERY CONVERSATION IS SLOWLY DRAINING THE CHERRY RED MUTANT BLOOD OUT OF MY LACERATED CHESTPUSHER*  
KARKAT: YOU ARE BOTH GOING TO BE THE SINGULAR CAUSES OF MY UNFORTUNATE AND ILL TIMED DEMISE  
KARKAT: YOU WILL HAVE TO BURY ME IN THAT ABSURD HUMAN ACT OF FUNERALING  
KARKAT: AND YOU BETTER REMEMBER TO PUT ON THE GRAVESTONE:  
KARKAT: “HERE LIES KARKAT VANTAS”  
KARKAT: “MURDERED TO DEATH BY THE AWFUL PSUEDOSEXUAL (PLEASE BE PSUEDOSEXUAL) TENSION BETWEEN HIS BOYFRIEND AND HIS BOYFRIENDS SISTERS WIFE”  
KARKAT: “MAY HE SHRIEK IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY”  
KARKAT: CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE  
KARKAT: AT ALL  
KARKAT: PRETTY PLEASE WITH A LETHAL HUMAN DEATHFRUIT CHERRY ON TOP  
KANAYA: We Could  
KANAYA: But I Believe Any Other Topics That We May Broach Would Be  
KANAYA: Potentially Distressing  
KANAYA: To Me Specifically  
KANAYA: I Know It Looks Like I Am Having A Good Time And Joking Around With You Two But  
KANAYA: Frankly

Kanaya wraps her own arms around herself as if to give herself a hug, as the memories of yesterday come flooding back to her.

KANAYA: Some Really Fucked Up Shit Has Happened To Me In The Past Forty Eight Hours  
KANAYA: I Will Explain It To You Both  
KANAYA: Soon  
KANAYA: I Am Just  
KANAYA: Not In Any Particular Rush  
KANAYA: To Be Reduced Back To An Ineffectual And Quivering Wreck Any Time Soon

Karkat’s concern is plain on his face. It takes him only an instant to cross the room and wrap his arms around the tall jadeblood’s midsection. He barely reaches her collarbone, really. My ex-wife visibly relaxes the moment his arms wrap around her. I won’t lie and say I’m not jealous. Because I am. But I made my choice. I have to live with the consequences. And... Oh. Karkat's speaking again. I guess you should listen to whatever he has to say. I’m sure whatever he's saying is relevant and important and true.

KARKAT: —DONT HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW  
KARKAT: YOU CAN LIVE WITH US FOR A WHILE  
KARKAT: ITS TOTALLY FINE  
KARKAT: NO STRINGS ATTACHED

Kanaya smiles softly and hugs Karkat back. And you know what? I hate this. I hate seeing Kanaya be comforted by this useless fucking boy. I hate seeing her try and move past me. I feel so viscerally angry that this reality forced me to abandon my own wife, the person I love more than anything else in this world, for the sake of all realities. Its vile. I wish I could take it back. I feel so fucking hollow, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I’m already on this path now. Nobody can stop me from what I have to do. And then the touching moment ends. Kanaya draws away from Karkat’s hug. His smile is warm and reassuring, and she smiles gratefully back at him. Dave pitches in his reassurance from the back of the room.

DAVE: yeah kanaya no worries  
DAVE: take your time  
DAVE: like i get it whatever happened looks like it hells of fucked you up  
DAVE: so i can relate  
DAVE: to not ever really wanting to think about it again  
KANAYA: No Its Alright  
KANAYA: I Do Believe You Both Deserve Some Small Explanation At The Very Least  
KANAYA: And I Dont Think I Will Have The Option To Not Think About This Ever Again  
KANAYA: Unfortunately  
KARKAT: OKAY THATS  
KARKAT: CONCERNING  
KANAYA: I Guess The Easiest Way To Frame My Explanation Is As Follows  
KANAYA: Rose And I

Kanaya swallows hard before continuing.

KANAYA: Rose And I Are No Longer Together

The two boys sit in awed silence as they try and process the enormity of the statement delivered by Kanaya. It must be hard for the two of them to wrap their minds around the sheer impossibility of the statement. It takes them a moment to digest the words, and another to comprehend them. Only then do they both respond, in a cacophony of wild speculation.

|   
---|---  
  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT  
KARKAT: WHAT HAPPENED   
KARKAT: ROSE DIDNT  
KARKAT: ROSE DIDNT DO ALL THAT TO YOU DID SHE  
KARKAT: DID SHE HURT YOU  
KARKAT: MORE THAN BREAK YOUR HEART  
KARKAT: SHE DIDNT PHYSICALLY HURT YOU   
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT SHE DID  
KARKAT: WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE RIGHT NOW   
KARKAT: IM GONNA SERVE HER A HEAPING PORTION OF MY GRUBFUCKING THINKPAN  
KARKAT: HOW DARE SHE TRY AND HURT MY FRIEND  
KARKAT: I CANT BELIEVE THIS   
KARKAT: I DONT CARE IF SHE IS A GOD ILL KICK HER ASS  
KARKAT: I SWEAR ON MY OWN BLOOD JUST SAY THE WORLD AND I WILL GO ABSOLUTELY BUCK WILD ON HER PLUSH RUMP

| 

DAVE: what the fuck  
DAVE: what happened  
DAVE: rose isnt dead right  
DAVE: like there wasnt a terrorist attack that happened and both you and rose were caught in like   
DAVE: i dunno   
DAVE: some terrorist bomb plot  
DAVE: and she valiantly pushed you out of the way of the explosion   
DAVE: thus earning her a heroic death and causing you to flee into the woods to escape the terrorist death squads that are clearly out to finish the job  
DAVE: theyre not going to launch simultaneous against the rest of us  
DAVE: we arent in danger too are we  
DAVE: please tell me karkat isnt in danger too  
  
  
Kanaya's sigh cuts short both streams of wild speculation. The two boys clam up almost immediately as Kanaya begins to speak, her tone low and even and belying an exhaustion that has sunk far deeper in her bones than any single night's rest could ever hope to ameliorate.

KANAYA: Stop  
KANAYA: Please   
KANAYA: Both Of You Are Jumping To Conclusions  
KANAYA: I Think  
KANAYA: Although  
KANAYA: Dave You May Be Right  
KANAYA: There Is I Guess A Slight Possibility That We Are All In Danger  
KANAYA: And Karkat  
KANAYA: Youre More Right About Your Guesses Than You Might Think  
KANAYA: Although I Am Probably At Least Somewhat At Fault  
KANAYA: I Did Abandon Her When She Needed It Most  
KANAYA: I Could Have Tried Harder  
KANAYA: Instead Of Hiding Away  
KANAYA: And Pretending That Everything Was Okay  
KANAYA: But  
KANAYA: I Mean  
KANAYA: She Broke My Heart Into Thousands Of Pieces  
KANAYA: And Then Burned Our House To The Ground While I Was Still In It  
KANAYA: I Dont Really Want To Get Into The Specifics  
KANAYA: Suffice It To Say  
KANAYA: My Ex Wife Has Completely Fucking Spilled Her Thinkpan In The Most Unsalvageable And Grotesque Way  
KANAYA: Regardless Of My Own Potential Myriad Of Failings   
KANAYA: That Doesn't Change The Facts  
KANAYA: Her And Her Fucking Plan Can Go Straight To Hell For All I Care  
KANAYA: If I Never See Her Again It Would Still Be Too Soon  
KANAYA: And  
KANAYA: Even If I Did  
KANAYA: I Dont Know If I Could Face Her Again

It takes a moment for the two to process what Kanaya has just said. I have to be honest, the intensity with which she declared that last statement took me off guard. I don’t think I’ll ever get over quite how much she definitely completely hates me. I guess I did a good job. She’s on the brink of tears, her whole body is shaking and she moves to wrap her arms around herself again. The two boys seem to have gotten over their initial shock at her statement and have moved to the comforting phase.

DAVE: jesus christ kanaya im so sorry i  
DAVE: sorry im having a hard time believing rose could have done something like that to you  
DAVE: i mean she loved you  
KARKAT: DAVE YOU ARE *NOT* HELPING  
KARKAT: REGARDLESS OF WHATEVER YOU THINK ROSE IS OR IS NOT CAPABLE OF DOING  
KARKAT: WHICH LEST WE FORGET INCLUDES PLANNING AN ELABORATE SUICIDE MISSION AT THE AGE OF THIRTEEN  
KARKAT: ITS EXTREMELY FUCKING OBVIOUS SHE REALLY HURT KANAYA  
KARKAT: AND ALSO BURNED DOWN THEIR HOUSE  
KARKAT: IS THAT RIGHT?  
KARKAT: THAT SEEMS  
KARKAT: EXTREME  
DAVE: no it sounds like exactly the sort of melodramatic bullshittery rose would do in order to signify the end of a domestic epoch or some fucking nonsense like that  
DAVE: jesus christ  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: the idea that rose has completely lost her fucking mind is kind of fucking scary  
DAVE: rose what the fuck are you doing

It’s actually kind of funny how quickly Karkat accepted Kanaya’s narrative of me as a villain. I mean, I’m certainly not disagreeing. I’m absolutely the bad guy here. But, it is just funny to see in how low regard he holds me. Or I guess... in how high regard he holds Kanaya? I’m not sure which.

Its fine. I fully anticipated everyone turning against me. After all, what I’m about to do is monumentally awful in just about every way. It might be for the good of existence but that doesn’t make what I’m about to do any less deplorable. 

The talking doesn’t seem to be helping, really. If anything it’s only further agitating Kanaya, who’s making little sniffling noises like she’s venting pressure in small bursts from somewhere inside her, and if the pressure builds up too much, she’ll just collapse entirely. The noises bring the two boys frantic interrogations to an abrupt halt. 

Karkat wraps Kanaya into a long, quiet hug. She’s not quite crying but the jade tears beading at the corners of her eyes are plainly obvious. He gently paps her as he whispers soft, quiet nonsense noises at her, which is just a brazenly pale action, but Kanaya doesn’t seem to mind. She leans into it, a gentle rumbling purr emanating from her chest. Dave, not one for open displays of affection is giving Kanaya this awkward side hug thing. She wraps one of her arms around him and against his quiet protests, pulls him closer into a full-on hug. 

KARKAT: I AM SO SORRY KANAYA  
KANAYA: Can We Maybe Not Talk For A Moment  
KANAYA: Just Staying Quiet Like This Is  
KANAYA: Nice

The sound of someone clearing their throat breaks the stillness of the quiet moment. Dave is the first one to turn his head to find the source of the sound. It's only then that he notices the telltale faint smell of chronology itself smoldering. It's a smell that still haunts his nightmares.

DAVE: oh fuck  
DAVE: no fuck  
DAVE: no fuck you   
DAVE: no i said i wasnt going to do this anymore  
DAVE: what the fuck are you doing here

Sitting on the couch, the faint red discoloration of Time still lingering in the air around him, is the disheveled and shaken form of Dave Strider, from five minutes in the future. His hands are trembling, his breathing is coming in short, shaky bursts, and his hair is ever so slightly mussed. He looks at the three, and they slowly, awkwardly disentangle, inching away from each other as they gawk at the temporal intruder. 

DAVE+4:51: sorry  
DAVE+4:48: i uh  
DAVE+4:45: i didnt like it anymore when it was happening to me  
DAVE+4:41: but um  
DAVE+4:38: you guys have to see something  
DAVE+4:36: im sorry  
DAVE: fuck you

The Dave from about five minutes in the future grabs the TV remote from beside him on the couch and wordlessly turns on the television screen. The three temporally correct members of the room turn to look at the screen.

JANE: ...which is why I am speaking out against this now!  
JANE: Legislating the reproductive rights of the Trolls is not just morally reprehensible, it is also a gross overreach of the powers that have been given to this Congress by the citizens that have elected you.  
JANE: A citizenship that is made up of both humans and trolls.  
JANE: It is simply wrong to try and regulate the lives of an entire half of the constituency.  
JANE: The survivors of Alternia, my friends, came from a society that heavily regulated and regimented the reproductive facets of its society.   
JANE: The automation that is being proposed in this bill is an echo of a brutal regime that all of trollkind is struggling to leave behind.   
JANE: It is a somber reminder that everything that the gods of this world fought against so long ago can still seep into our society in grim and devious ways.

The television shows Jane, wearing a smart red business suit, stood in the center of the circular main hall of the World Congress. 715 duly elected humans and trolls, that make up the congress, from each of Earth C’s four kingdoms are arranged in a semicircle watching dispassionately as the lone goddess makes her impassioned plea for the reproductive freedom of trolls. 

Karkat leans over to Dave and whispers to him.

KARKAT: (YOURE CERTAIN FUTURE YOU ISNT JUST PUNKING US RIGHT?)  
KARKAT: (THIS LOOKS EXCEEDINGLY LIKE JUST THE NORMAL ASS HOOFBEASTSHIT THEY SHOW ON EARTH-CSPAN)

Dave shoots him a look that makes it very clear, even with his shades, that he is in no mood for jokes. His face might be angled towards the screen but it's clear that he’s watching his future self out of the corner of his eye.

And that's when it happens. A Bright flash of light suddenly lights up the room on the television, the beginnings of a roar crackle through the speakers, and then the screen cuts to static.

The Dave from about 2 minutes in the future breathes a shaky sigh, and with only the slightest of hesitation, he switches the channel to a 24 hour news program. The screen is nothing but shaky footage from a helicopter of a heavy plume of smoke rising from the half caved-in wreckage of the World Congress Building. The frenzied voices of news anchors desperately fighting to stay calm as they describe the wreckage on screen are cut off as Future-Dave mutes the television.

Dave runs his hands through his hair, staring at the television in disbelief. Kanaya and Karkat’s mouths hang open in shock and nobody speaks for a moment. And then Future-Dave stands up, turning to face his past self. His voice shaky and low when he speaks.

DAVE+1:38: um  
DAVE+1:35: this is the part where you go  
DAVE+1:31: im sorry dude  
DAVE: no fuck you  
DAVE: i thought i was done with this shit  
DAVE+1:24: me fucking too  
DAVE: fuck you

Dave whirls around and walks over to the couch. He sits down heavily on the overstuffed cushion and pulls at his hair again. His whole body is shaking.

DAVE: and what the fuck happens if i dont  
DAVE: what if i just say no  
DAVE: i just watched johns hot mom get blown to fucking smithereens on live tv  
DAVE: i dont even get to take a moment to rest  
DAVE+1:11: how do you think i felt  
DAVE+1:08: i really fucking thought this was over but its not  
DAVE+1:03: but the sooner you go the sooner you can get this over with  
DAVE+0:59: right  
DAVE: fuck   
DAVE: you

Future-Dave pinches the bridge of his nose, the stress reading plainly on his usually stoic face.

DAVE+0:53: you dont really have a choice  
DAVE+0:50: i dont understand why but you can feel it too  
DAVE+0:45: this loop has to be completed  
DAVE+0:43: and i dont want to see what happens if it isnt  
DAVE: YEAH NO SHIT I KNOW  
DAVE: FUCK  
DAVE: im gonna do it  
DAVE: just give me a second okay

Dave covers his face in his hand and curls into himself. He stays there for maybe thirty seconds, just huddled up against himself, his breathing heavy and labored. He does finally straighten back up, and flashes the room a grin that looks far less confident then he probably hopes it does.

DAVE: alright  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: im going  
DAVE: see you in like five minutes everybody

And with that, Dave Strider slips out of time, transporting himself back into the past, leaving only the smell of burning chronology. The Dave Strider from the future, who is now the Dave Strider from right now, pipes up.

DAVE: so uh  
DAVE: how we feeling  
DAVE: awful?  
KARKAT: TO SAY THE VERY LEAST  
KARKAT: HOW DID EVERYTHING SUDDENLY GO SO MONUMENTALLY WRONG SO FUCKING FAST?  
DAVE: i dont know dude  
DAVE: i feel like  
DAVE: i kind of want to cry  
KARKAT: OH GOOD ITS NOT JUST ME  
KARKAT: THAT UH  
KARKAT: THAT BROUGHT BACK A LOT OF REALLY TERRIBLE MEMORIES  
DAVE: its just like when i died  
DAVE: the second time i mean  
DAVE: with the Tumor  
DAVE: i know how that feels  
DAVE: i know exactly how it feels to be blown to shreds like that  
DAVE: i....  
DAVE: fuck

Karkat moves to embrace Dave, who’s whole body is shaking. Dave leans into the embrace, burying his face in Karkats shirt, and wrapping his arms around the smaller troll. His breathing is shaky and his whole body trembles. All of the blood has drained out of his face as he confronts the horrific imagery on screen, unable to look away as the shot focuses on a severly burned troll, clutching the bloody blue stump where his left arm used to be as he stumbles out onto the street. A gaussian blur is applied to a wide swath of the scene as the troll falls to the ground, obfuscating him from view. 

DAVE: we  
DAVE: we have to help them  
DAVE: i have to help them  
DAVE: somehow

Karkat covers his eyes and whispers a gentle shoosh into his ear. I’m not sure if it actually helped, but Dave’s shoulders visibly slump as Karkat comforts him.

KANAYA: Rose Did This

Dave and Karkat turn to look at Kanaya, who is standing stock still, towel wrapped tightly around her, knuckles white with light, Jade blood dripping from her fists from where her claws have dug into her own palms. Tears of anger trace green contours down her face. Her fury is radiant, and she's glowing bright enough to make the two boys squint and turn away, rather than face the full intensity of Kanaya Maryam’s anger.

DAVE: what?  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KANAYA: Im Sorry Did I Fucking Stutter  
KANAYA: Rose  
KANAYA: Lalonde   
KANAYA: Did  
KANAYA: This  
DAVE: okay thats literally insane  
DAVE: why would she blow up congress?  
KARKAT: *HOW* WOULD SHE BLOW UP CONGRESS?  
KANAYA: I Dont Know The Specifics  
KANAYA: She Kept Talking About This Plan  
KANAYA: She Was So Obsessed With  
KANAYA: She Just  
KANAYA: She

Oh dear. What seems to be the problem Kanaya? Is it that you cannot seem to find the words? The thoughts in your head unable to find purchase on your tongue? Perhaps you shouldn’t be so loose lipped. I don’t mind you telling them that it’s my fault. I mean, I accept full responsibility for my own actions. But I can’t simply have you go blabbing the truths of canon to the whole world. People tend to act... out of character when they discover they are a part of a story.

KANAYA: In Our Last Conversation She Was Uncomfortably Interested In The Troll Reproduction Act  
KANAYA: She Seemed Fairly Certain That It Or Something Worse Would  
KANAYA: Be Necessary For  
KANAYA: For  
KANAYA: I Think That Rose Believes  
KANAYA: Believes  
KANAYA: Um  
KANAYA: I Fear That Rose Is More Interested In  
KANAYA: In  
KANAYA: Fuck

A look of dawning horror slowly creeps on to Kanaya face as she stutters her way from dead end sentence to dead end sentence. She suddenly feels uncertain that the words coming out of her mouth are even her own. No matter what angle she approaches it from she seemed incapable of explaining Rose’s obsession with canon. Something is stopping her. _Someone_ is stopping her. _Rose_ is stopping her.

KANAYA: Rose Is  
KANAYA: I Cant  
KANAYA: I Cant Tell You What Is Going On  
KANAYA: I Am Being  
KANAYA: Fuck  
KANAYA: There Is Something Pre—  
KANAYA: Oh I Cant Even Say That Can I  
KANAYA: Very Fucking Cool  
DAVE: kanaya are you ok   
DAVE: you kind of sound like your brain is short-circuting  
DAVE: i can almost smell smoke coming from your neurons  
DAVE: almost smells like  
DAVE: brain-b-que  
DAVE: hot fresh roasted trollbrain  
DAVE: sorry um  
DAVE: that was inappropriate  
KARKAT: YEAH KANAYA ARE  
KARKAT: ARE YOU OKAY  
KARKAT: WE CAN GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL IF YOU ARENT FEELING SO WELL  
KARKAT: I MEAN  
KARKAT: WHAT WE JUST SAW WAS HORRIFIC  
KARKAT: AND I KNOW YOUVE JUST GONE THROUGH SOME AWFUL STUFF  
KARKAT: MAYBE IT WOULD BE BEST IF WE JUST AKE IT EASY FOR A BIT  
KARKAT: I KNOW YOURE MAD AT ROSE   
KARKAT: BUT BLAMING HER FOR ALL THIS SEEMS INSANE

Kanaya isn’t even listening anymore. Something in her mind shifts and she knows she’s right. She’s certain of it. She’s not sure how, but Rose is preventing her from saying this. She cant even say that Rose has been obsessed with the idea that her life is some narrative for months. The idea that the world she lives in is a story, and not just any story, but the wrong one. Kanaya pales, taking a step back as the implication of these revelations start to collide in her mind. Rose’s actions make sense. If she believes, as she does, that she lives in a story, then her actions don’t require a specific cause and effect governing the reasoning behind them. Her actions are motivated by drama.

Every action Rose has taken so far in the past two days has been at the behest of some perverse drama. The break up, the arson, the bombing. Kanaya’s mouth sets in a hard line as she evaluates Rose’s actions up to now. She seems to be escalating, each motion exponentially more awful then the last. Kanaya wracks her mind, what on Earth C could be an escalation from literal fucking terrorism.

And then it hits her.

KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: Oh No  
KANAYA: I Need To Go  
KANAYA: I Was Stupid  
KANAYA: I AM SO STUPID  
KANAYA: How Could I Have Left Her All Alone

Kanaya takes a shaky breath as Karkat and Dave share concerned looks. She turns to face the open window and sits on it, her legs dangling out above the bustling city street below.

KANAYA: I Am Leaving  
DAVE: what   
DAVE: wait hold on get away from the window for a second maybe  
DAVE: where are you going  
KANAYA: To Kill My Wife

And without another word, Kanaya leaps out of the window, and plummets down out of sight of the two boys gaping in openmouthed astonishment.


End file.
